Question: I am 27 yrs old and married for two months. I have been masturbating for almost ten yrs now and always able to masturbate to orgasm. But I think the frequency kind of reduced for the past two yrs. I have never had sex with a partner before marriage. My problem is I don’t feel aroused whenever my husband touches me (even though I get wet). We are completely comfortable with each other when having sex. He has to rub my clit for 15-20 min for me to achieve orgasm - and this happens after I put in all my efforts, energy and concentrate on the spot where he rubs. The effort is totally exhausting and zaps all energy out of me. Also, we have had vaginal intercourse for 6-7 times now. Only a small part of his penis (1-2 inches) goes in when he attempts. I have some pain almost every time he enters and have never even attempted to have orgasm. I have my periods every month regularly and so I assume there is no problem with my hormone level. Is my assumption correct? Please help. Why am I not aroused? Thank you.

Answer: Please stop trying to have intercourse. What may be a physical or medical problem now may develop into a chronic and painful condition that is difficult to treat, possibly resulting in emotional problems for both you and your partner. Pain is an indication that something is wrong.

You will likely need to see a doctor for a diagnosis and treatment. My guess is your hymen is still intact. While most are thin and stretch or tear easily, others can be thick and resist stretching and tearing. If this is true, a doctor can surgically remove it. You can also stretch it yourself, which will be gentler on your body and a good learning experience. How to stretch your hymen and prepare your vagina for intercourse is explained on the the pages about Virginity. Other possible causes for the pain you are experiencing and potential solutions are given there as well. Identify and resolve the cause of your pain before you attempt intercourse again, even if that takes a year or more.

Stop trying to have an orgasm with your partner. Explore pleasure not orgasm. You are simply trying too hard and expecting too much of your mind and body. Please see the page titled Orgasm: Did She? You probably are not going to be able to figure out what works best for you in only two months. It took you seventeen years to learn how to masturbate to orgasm, which is about how long it takes the average woman. While you may have been orgasmic the past ten years through masturbation, you are a novice with a partner. On the pages about virginity, sexual development is addressed. Please take the time to read this information and use it. It is going to take time to learn how to be sexual with a partner.

Experiencing orgasm in 15-20 minutes sounds pretty typical and many women take longer. I would not consider it beneficial for partner sex to last less than this.

Do not forget you know how to masturbate to orgasm. It is okay to masturbate with your partner. Show him what you like. Watch each other masturbate. Have fun. If you want or need to have an orgasm, masturbate while your partner watches. It is okay to masturbate alone too. The main thing is not to put too much pressure on yourself to have an orgasm with your partner.

Your menstrual periods are controlled by estrogen and progesterone, primarily, where as you sex drive is controlled by androgens like testosterone. You can have a regular and healthy menstrual cycle and still experience sexual impairment. My guess is your decreased desire is the result of stress and performance anxiety. The stress may originally have come about as a result of work or school. Getting married and trying to adjust to married life is stressful and at times difficult. On top of this you have been led to believe sex should be wonderful and it has not been so. You may feel you have failed, when this happens, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You believe you will fail, so you do.

Take baby steps. Learning to kiss is a great baby step. Learning to give an erotic massage is a great baby step. Learning to perform oral sex is a great baby step. Trying to have intercourse when you are not physically and mentally ready can be like stepping off a cliff. Take a deep breath, relax, and start at the beginning. On the pages about virginity I mention that sexual development, with a partner, would naturally take ten to fifteen years.

What you are experiencing is not much different from many other women. You just do not hear about it because they are afraid to talk about it. No one taught you how to be sexual or have partner sex, so do not expect yourself to know.