Question: I gave birth 6 weeks ago. It was a forceps delivery and required an episiotomy. As there was pain relief given I have no idea what other organs may or may not have been affected during the procedure. Now I have been left with a very painful clitoris. It hurts during sex, masturbation and sometimes bowel motions. When applying pressure to the clitoris it feels as if there is a hard bone there and the pain shoots from the tip up the clitoris. Examining my vulva it appears that the end of the clitoris is exposed and the hood does not fully cover it unless manually pushed forward, however having not looked at this prior to the birth I cannot say if it was like this before or not. I can see a lot of advice about sensitive clitorises but this is actually painful and does not assist arousal. Prior to this I had pain free clitoral stimulation. Any advice as to what may be causing this and if it is likely to improve?
Answer: I am afraid this is a subject I cannot provide much information on.
I can only say that some of the muscles that surround the vaginal passage anchor to the pubic bone in the area of the clitoris. If your pelvic muscles are strained and out of shape this may adversely affect the soft tissues of your clitoris. The round ligaments that come from within the pelvis extend down the length of the vulva, under the soft tissues and over the pelvic muscles. Please see the images linked to below to see what I am talking about.
Anatomy Images
If this is the case you may need to do Kegel exercises to strength and learn to relax your pelvic muscles. If the muscles are strained you may need physical therapy. If you had a difficult delivery there is a greater chance of injury to your pelvic structures and vulva.
I recommend discussing your symptoms with your doctor.
If you don't know what your vulva looked like prior to the delivery it is hard to know if there has been a change in its appearance. Perhaps your partner is more familiar with your vulva and will know if things have changed.
Question: Hi. I have read through different parts of your site for months and have always found them immensely useful mostly as they help me to question myself with sex questions. As well as discover that many things about myself were entirely normal.
I'm 19 years old and have masturbated since I was 9, as far as I can remember. I have no problem bringing myself to orgasm and can orgasm between 1-10 minutes depending on arousal. My issue is that I am the only person who has ever managed to bring myself to orgasm. With my first boyfriend sexual activity was masturbation and some oral. I lost my virginity to my current boyfriend and have been with him and having sexual intercourse for 8 months.
I can reach orgasm through masturbation during sex but the orgasms aren't as fulfilling as orgasms on my own or even the pleasure I get through intercourse or foreplay. Earlier in our relationship my boyfriend went down on me for about half an hour with no result. It was pleasurable but it wasn't going anywhere. I don't know if the entire problem is an emotional thing but I'm quite sure it was back then (trust and all that). He has gotten close once through masturbating me but stopped before the 'rising' towards orgasm feeling. I didn't tell him to 'not stop' or to start again because, mostly, I am uncomfortable giving demands and making him concentrate on me without it being his decision before mine (if that makes sense). He hasn't gotten close during oral.
All my friends just say that he needs to 'work' for longer is this right? Or am I just unable to work like that? I guess my problem is mostly I can get myself to work why is it that when my boyfriend does it even though it feels nice I don't orgasm even though it sometimes feels better than when I masturbate myself?
Also could it be to do with when my first boyfriend masturbated me for too long too hard? (I was too shy to tell him to stop) I mention that because it was my first sexual experience (got off to a good start didn't I...)Answer: When it comes to female sexuality it is difficult to know what is normal variation between women and what is abnormality within an individual. Many women share your experience. All women are not created equal or the same when it comes to physical and intellectual ability and it seems likely that this would apply to their sexuality too. The question is, is it abnormal not to be able to experience orgasm, as a result of sexual stimulation provided by a partner, or is it a normal biological limitation that some women experience? Are you abnormal or just you?
As you mention, your inability to express your needs to your partner and your inexperience will be barriers to achieving orgasm. Another barrier could be your lack of focus on a sexual theme when a partner is present. Many women experience these barriers.
When it comes to communication talk to your partner outside the bedroom. Tell them your needs and experiences. At the start of the conversation tell them that you have something "important" to tell them to get their attention and make sure there are no distractions, like the TV being on. Admit to being uncomfortable expressing sexual needs and talking about sex. You can discuss this over a special dinner at home. If you cannot bring yourself to talk about your needs then write them a letter explaining things.
Vibrators were designed by a doctor back in the 1800s because he knew it took time and skill to bring women to orgasm. They were designed as a labor saving device. Back then women went to their doctor to have orgasms, it was a form of medical treatment at the time. While doctors may have been able to bring some of their patients to orgasm quickly they weren't so lucky with many, even with all their skills and practice.
So the easiest solution to your situation may be to introduce a vibrator into your solo masturbation activities and then to your partnered activities. Doing so will likely help overcome your partner's inexperience and the time it takes to reach orgasm during other forms of stimulation. Tell your partner you would like to experiment with a vibrator because you have heard they are lots of fun and a lot of couples use them. By them holding the vibrator they then can give you an orgasm, after you demonstrate how to use it.
Oral stimulation does require skill and knowledge. Your partner needs to know where your clitoris is and how to stimulate it. I knew a young woman about your age who did not enjoy oral stimulation until they realized she had a small concealed clitoris that required them to retract her clitoral hood to expose her clitoral glans if she was to experience pleasure during oral stimulation. If your partner is licking about randomly it may feel nice but not great. He may have to focus on one area, say your clitoris, for an extended amount of time. Like when you masturbate, you likely stimulate one spot for an extended period of time. Make noises and give advice one word at a time by saying "Yes," &There," "Faster," "Slower," etc. Use your hands and thighs to guide his head.
You can buy a book about cunnilingus for him and a book about fellatio for yourself to help you both learn some new techniques. You can also refer your boyfriend to articles you find on the internet. It is unlikely that either of you have been taught how to provide sexual pleasure so it is a case of the blind leading the blind. While these references may provide some useful information keep in mind that your needs are likely unique to you, and some one else's experiences may not solve the mystery of your needs. You may have to figure things out for yourself even with the help of others.
To help maintain a sexual focus talk to your partner during sex. Tell them what you want and need or a sexual fantasy or story that arouses you. Keep your mind focused on sex rather than what your partner is doing or non-sexual subjects. When you masturbate alone you likely think about something sexual and this mental stimulation helps you to experience orgasm. Watch an erotic or sexual video with your partner as they stimulate you. You can also read an erotic book while they stimulate you with their hands or mouth. Explain to your partner that you, like many women, need to focus their mind on sexual thoughts not the dirty dishes in the sink.
If you are uncomfortable with them orally stimulating your vulva because you fear you smell or taste unpleasant then you need to reassure yourself that you smell and taste nice. You do this by smelling and tasting your fingers while masturbating. You will likely enjoy your scent and taste. It may be musky but should still be pleasant. I doubt you taste or smell unpleasant if your partner is willing to spend thirty minutes stimulating your vulva. If you do not smell and taste nice then you may have an infection.
A survey on the website indicates that during any given sexual activity or technique women experience orgasm only about 50% percent of the time. Now the survey questions do not indicate whether orgasm was intended or desired, only that it did not occur. So it is unlikely all your friends are having orgasms during every sexual experience, or that they can experience orgasm during every sexual activity they engage in. 1 out of 10 women hasn't experienced orgasm at all. So while you may not be as orgasmic during partnered sex as some of your peers you are more orgasmic than others. It is unwise to compare yourself to individual women or to expect your sexual performance to match anyone of theirs. If your peers were having as many orgasms as they claim they wouldn't be faking more than 1 out of every 10 orgasms.
Repeated failed attempts does lead to performance anxiety, which in of itself becomes a barrier to orgasm. Your experiences with your past partner may be a barrier to orgasm now, but it is more than likely a result of your and your current partner's inexperience and lack of knowledge.
It is not unusual for a woman to require twenty minutes to an hour of stimulation to reach orgasm during partnered sex. So your partner may need to spend more time stimulating you if you are to experience orgasm. A survey on the website indicates women do require more time and stimulation to experience orgasm during partnered sex than masturbation.
While partnered sex may feel nice and be more intense at times there are also a lot more distractions to overcome.
You need to explore sexual pleasure, which may lead to orgasm, rather than focusing on experiencing orgasm. If you try to have an orgasm then you are less likely to experience one. Focus on learning and teaching your partner what gives you pleasure and increases your level of arousal. Only then is orgasm a possibility.
For now continue to masturbate during partnered sex if you desire to experience orgasm. If you don't desire orgasm and only want to experience sexual pleasure tell your partner so. Keep sex fun and intimate rather than focusing only on your orgasms.
You partner needs to know you and they are not alone in your experiences. You both need to learn how to be good sexual partners and providers.
Question: Ok, where do I start, I'm a 16 year old guy, I have a close friend at school who has been has been sexual abused by her boyfriend last year. She is 16. I've convinced her to talk about it and I know part of what happened, luckily she wasn't raped, but it was close and she is really traumatized by what happened. He would pin her to the ground and put his legs on her arm so she couldn't move, then would then choke her, this happened three times and on the last time she pasted out, she said he didn't do that again. I've read the sexual abuse page on your site and I think she stayed with him because she wanted to feel loved. He pinned her down 1 last time that I know of, this time he scraped skin off the outside of her breast making some places bleed, he also scrapped skin of her stomach and back. After this she found out that he cheated on her with her best friend, she broke up with him but he got angry, he told that she was ugly and worthless, he kicked and punched her leaving a number of bruises on her body.
I want to be more than friends with her, and I know nothing can happen until she is over this, it took me a long time to get her to talk to me and there is no chance of her talking to someone else. I want to help her though this, she isn't sleeping lately because she is remembering it all. I want to help, even if it means I can't be with her, she still believes what he said about her being worthless and ugly even though I have told her a number of times that she isn't. I know her body is very sensitive as she has told me any contact is painful. She can not access your site although I think reading some of it may help a little bit.
So what can I do to help her? I don't think talking about it will be enough. I know I can't help her on my own and I would greatly appreciate any ideas or suggestions.
Answer: I commend you for being supportive of your friend. It will be difficult for her to trust people, as a result of these past experiences.
The abuse you describe is not so much sexual as physical. The guy basically picks out girls he knows he can manipulate and control, those with low self esteem, the shy girls. It is likely that he treats all his girlfriends this way. Your friend should know she did nothing wrong and is not a bad or defective person. He said the things he did to keep her quiet, to make her afraid to say anything, to make her feel like the bad person. She should know that he will continue to treat girls this way until she or someone else stands up to him and notifies the police and presses charges against him. The severity of the abuse will likely increase the longer he gets away with it. He gets to dominate and control her until she stands up to him. Support her but don't try to force her to do anything. She needs to be able to trust you more than anything at this point.
Here are some website that can provide better advice on this subject than I can.
http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/factsheets/svfacts.htm
http://www.stayinginshape.com/3chsbuffalo/libv/p48.shtml
http://endabuse.org/
http://www.rsacc.org/
http://www.abusedadultresourcecenter.com/
Question: At first, I want to say how much I appreciate all the work you put in your website, it has been a true help to me since I have stumbled across it a few months ago. There's a lot of professional information about topics one will not find addressed in other places. As with a lot of women, my problem has always been too much self-consciousness about my body, especially about how I look like "down there". There's been a time when I thought I wasn't normal, because my labia minora are very thick and protrude from between my outer labia along with the clitoral hood and this doesn't look like any illustration one can find in conventional books. The information and especially the pictures on your website showed me, though, that I was not the only woman who's genitals were shaped different from average. Well, now, even though I am convinced that at least nothing is wrong with me, I still can't help myself to wish for less pronounced inner labia, because I think it doesn't look good but mostly because I am afraid of what a boy may think,
when he first sees me naked.I (22) am together with my first boy-friend right now and I do want to have sex with him some time in the future, but I wonder how or if I will ever be able to overcome my apprehensiveness. I don't feel comfortable about the thought of
undressing myself in front of him, so that he can really see me. He has only had one girl-friend before, so not that much experience with what women look like. He must have the same thoughts about my genitals that I once had when he sees them, and that's what I'm scared of, that he thinks it isn't normal. I know, I should talk to him beforehand, but I'm too embarrassed. And also, talking about this or showing him the pictures on your website, would have the feeling as if I am trying to prepare him for something unusual to come. So I wondered if it wouldn't be better to say nothing, and watch his reaction when the time has come and he looks at me. I'm just not sure how to approach this topic. Maybe you have some advice for me. Am I not ready for sex as long as I'm not capable of talking to him about these intimate
tings...?I have enclosed some photos so you can see what I am talking about.
Answer: The appearance of your vulva is distinctive enough that you are probably correct in wanting to prepare your boyfriend and yourself in advance of him seeing it for the first time. It is possible that he may make some form of verbal exclamation on seeing your vulva regardless of whether his reaction is positive or negative. You may even misinterpret his response, especially if you expect him to react one way or another. That could be awkward for both of you.
You can write him a letter in advance explaining your anatomy and offer to show him pictures prior to him seeing your vulva. You can also send him a link to my website and mention the vast array of vulvas shown. You can then ask him how he feels about the vulvas that are similar to yours. Even if he doesn't respond positively at first don't take that to mean he is rejecting you, he may simply need time to adjust to the idea. He may not know that vulvas come in many different shapes and sizes. Since you live in Germany you have the option of going to a sauna with him and allowing him to see you naked in a nonsexual context, or so I believe.
Question Part 1: I'm not sure where to begin this email other than saying, I'm 24 years old and I've never been able to have an orgasm unless it was with myself. I have been married, and divorced. I have a 3 year old daughter and now I'm in another relationship (AND HAPPY). But I am still yet to be pleasured by another, other than masturbating, I can't seem to find sex pleasurable.
I've never told anyone about this other than my doctor, but every time I mention it to him he just wants to throw me some antidepressants and tells me it will get better. But I'm not depressed, and it never does.
So now I've come to you all. I've never thought to look any of this up online until today, I found your website and I've been looking through it thinking maybe I could find some reason or explanation. And like many others I was abused as a child and I cant help but think maybe that's the reason.
I was abused for years by my own brother. He never had sex with me but he would sneak into my room late at night and fondle me. Could this be the reason? And how can I get this fixed? Sometimes the man I am with now thinks its him so it causes problems in our relationship. I have A VERY LOWWWW SEX DRIVE and can't have an orgasm. This is a huge problem I'm hoping you all may be able to help me with. Thank youQuestion Part 2: I recently wrote you all asking why I couldn't have an orgasm with a man but only with myself.
I explained to you all about my brother abusing me as a small child. I wanted to get a little more in depth about that hoping it would help find the answer to my question. I never enjoyed the abuse, I was just always to afraid to stop him and it didn't arouse me, if anything it disgusted me and to this day I do not see or speak to him even though I never told a soul about the abuse.
When I was younger I used to have sex ALOT (Safe Sex) with a lot of different guys in hopes that the one before him was just really bad in bed. Finally I grew up and realized that isn't the way it should be and it isn't the way to fix this problem. I would always have a really high sex drive with them the first couple of times we had sex, but soon after it was almost like the sex with them was boring, AND YET I was never able to have an orgasm no matter how horny I got.
Since then I've been married, and I loved my husband very much but we are divorced now and it had nothing to do with sex but now I am with a great guy and we have been together for almost 2 years and I still can't reach that point with him either no matter how much I love him and try. And now I have virtually no sex drive and I really do know its not him. Its Me.Answer Part 1: There are many possible reasons why you do not experience orgasm during partnered sex. Many women share your experience, even those who do not have a history of sexual abuse.
A history of sexual abuse is believed by many and presumed by others to be the cause of impaired sexual response. Unfortunately, some mental health professionals and doctors will insist the cause of a sexual difficulty is prior sexual abuse even when there is no evidence to support this diagnosis. Sexual abuse has become the de facto cause of most problems within a woman's life, and any other possible cause may not taken into consideration.
You mention a lack of desire and an inability to experience orgasm during partnered sex. The lack of desire appears to have been a problem for less time than the inability to experience orgasm, which indicates there are two different causes, and as a result solutions.
Many women report their level of sexual desire decreased after giving birth. The cause of this could be hormonal changes within the body or the stresses associated with raising a family and having a career. Prescription birth control and antidepressants have been linked to decreased sexual desire in women.
The inability to experience orgasm could be the result of being unable to surrender control during sex so orgasm becomes impossible. Your prior partners may not have had the necessary skills but as the number of failed experiences increased you may have developed performance anxiety. This happens when you presume you wont be able to experience orgasm so a mental block develops that makes orgasm impossible, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
For orgasm to occur there must be sufficient sexual arousal beforehand. Your letters do not indicate whether there is a lack of arousal that leads to the inability to experience orgasm. If there is a lack of arousal that needs to be considered and resolved first.
If you do not find sexual stimulation enjoyable, and this has been true since you started engaging in partnered sex, then you may have learned to block out this stimulation, as a result of the sexual abuse. If there is a lack of intimacy during sex the cause could be the prior abuse.
The fact that you could not or did not stop your brother's actions should be explored, as the cause for this predates the actual abuse. Why didn't you stop him or tell your parents? Did you ever tell him to stop or were you complacent, for a number of possible reasons? Were you afraid of him? Why did you feel you couldn't tell your parents? The answer to these questions could provide insight into the cause of your experiences today. The repeated experiences of sexual abuse could be symptom of the problem rather than the cause.
Have you tried masturbating with your partner present so you can show them what you like and require if you are to experience orgasm? This allows you to share your orgasms with your partner. The majority of woman cannot experience orgasm as a result of vaginal stimulation alone. Have you tried using a vibrator during partnered sex? A vibrator may provide the intense stimulation you may require to experience orgasm, something your partner may not be able do. Once you learn to have an orgasm with a vibrator during partnered sex it is more likely that you will experience orgasm during other activities together.
At this point you must be totally honest with your partner about your sexual history and the prior abuse. They need to know that they are not the reason for your lack of desire and orgasm.
Please see the additional information linked to below:
Sexual Desire
Sexual Dissatisfaction
Androgens and Androgen Deficiency
Advice for Preorgasmic Women
The Multidimensionality of Sexual AbuseQuestion Part 3: I recently received a reply to an email I sent you and it asks the question, why didn't you stop your brother from abusing you? Well there were a number of reasons. My father was very abusive to my mother. And the fact that my brother was my father's son and not my mother's (he was my half brother) scared me because I was afraid if I said anything to my mom she would flip out and my father would hurt her. He was a very angry man and never abused us children but used my mom as basically his punching bag. Also I was very afraid of my brother, he was just like him. And still is.
Also I do get aroused and very turned on but I still can't have an orgasm and I know it isn't from giving birth to my daughter because I've NEVER been able too. I'm not sure I can be this honest with my partner, it's very hard for me to even be writing a total stranger about this. Is there any type of medication or therapy for this?Answer Part 3: Many may believe the sexual abuse you experienced would be the sole cause for the sexual difficulties you experience today. "Of course she has sexual difficulties today, she was sexually abused." They would not look beyond the abuse and blame everything on the sexual abuse. In my opinion, the sexual abuse is a symptom of the primary problem in your case. The sexual abuse was possible because of other factors, which would also affect your sexuality today. While you most likely could not prevent the initial sexual contact, your perceived low self worth and fear at the time prevented you from speaking out to stop the abuse, and even from using physical force to stop it. You didn't stop the abuse because you could not, and no one can hold this against you; you are blameless.
The things that led to the continuation of the abuse would likely lead you to be unable to relax and surrender control during partnered sex today. The sexual abuse would possibly make the problems worse. You may have learned to shut down emotionally and physical during these abusive sexual experiences, which would cause a mind/body separation during sex today. If you experienced a lack of awareness of sexual arousal and sensation today, especially prior to your pregnancy, this would be a possibility.
There is also a chance the sexual abuse would have little to no affect on your adult sexuality, if the experiences were not traumatic, you did not feel at fault, etc. They may have been unpleasant rather than harmful experiences. It may have been what is called symptomatic sexual abuse; inappropriate sexual experiences that appear to cause no harm.
The fact that you cannot speak about your past possibly indicates a barrier to intimacy, which may prevent you from surrendering control during partnered sex. You may not feel comfortable expressing your needs and wants during partnered sex. If you lie there and hope he does the right things that could be a problem. I would recommend masturbating with him present to demonstrate your needs and that you can experience orgasm. If he has a problem with this, it is his problem not yours. You are not responsible for is lack of self confidence if this it true. You perhaps need to be a little selfish.
I would recommend getting a vibrator to use alone and then later with your partner. You can masturbate with your fingers during partnered sex and then start using the vibrator once you have learned how.
You also need to keep you mind focused on sex during partnered sex, not whether you will experience orgasm or daily distractions. You can do this by telling your partner a sexual fantasy or while watching an erotic video you find sexually arousing.
Unfortunately, there are no medications that have been found that work consistently for women.
The lack of desire could have many possible causes. You lack of orgasm during partnered sex and feelings of frustration could be the primary cause now. You may not want to have partnered sex because you fear "failure." You need to have sex for the pleasure of it, not because you want to experience orgasm. If after partnered sex you feel the need to experience orgasm then masturbate, alone if necessary, but don't hind this from your partner. Your partner could be the problem if he places too much importance on your orgasms. You may need to have him read the article titled, "Orgasm: Did She." If you read through the information women have submitted to the website, in various locations, you will find many report they could not experience orgasm if they tried too hard. They had to go with the flow and enjoy the pleasure of sex first.
If you are stressed and overworked this could decrease your sexual desire. If you are working full time and raising a three-year-old, and trying to develop a relationship with your boyfriend you may be taxing yourself physically. You may need others to help out with child and home care.Female sexuality is extremely complex and there is seldom quick and easy answers. There are many possible causes for your experiences.
You should consider consulting a therapist about your childhood experiences, not just the sexual ones, just so you can have a chance to talk about them. You can also share your experiences on one of the many abuse forums on the Internet. Telling strangers is better than telling no one.
Sorry that I cannot provide more concise advice.
Question: First of all, like everyone else, let me say that I'm thoroughly enjoying your site. It is very informative. Let me give you a little background. I'm a 41 year old married woman. From as far back as I can remember, maybe age 6, I've always been interested and enjoyed looking at the female body and touching my own body. When I was younger, I had a few experiences with other females. i.e. playing doctor, mild petting, etc. Never anything further, although I would have liked to. I got pregnant at 20, got married, and am still with the same man. I've had several flings in my 20+ years of marriage, each time thinking I was finding what was missing in my life. You see, I've never been in love with my husband. Although he's a wonderful person, he's not without fault. We've argued throughout our whole marriage, mostly about sex. It seems that no matter how often we have sex, on average at least once a week, it's never enough for him and he gets upset and even angry if I don't respond like he wants me to. He's a wonderful lover and has always been able to satisfy me, but I still felt something was missing. I've never really given him my complete self, the intimacy. Early on in our marriage, I confessed to him that I was interested in being with a woman. I've always preferred all girl videos, ones with men never interested me. I asked him once what he would do if he ever came home and found me in bed with another woman, what would he do. He said he'd probably join in. Well, finally about 6 years ago I had my first experience with a woman. My husband surprised me with a female stripper for my birthday. Needless to say, he was present, and really only watched. The only interaction he had was oral on me. When I posed the same question to him regarding me and another woman after this, he changed his mind and said he'd rather be there. This really feels like an intrusion to me, and I'd prefer he not be there. I had one other experience with another woman that he doesn't know about and I was much more relaxed. Recently, a female colleague and I discovered that we were attracted to each other. I'm a fairly attractive woman, and she's more on the less feminine side. but I find myself thinking of her constantly. We talk everyday on the phone and email every day as well. We've told each other that we've fallen in love with each other and want to be lifetime partners. I've been with this woman intimately twice, and each time it was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I finally know what it feels like to have someone make love to me. I've never felt this way with any other partner that I've had. Just talking to her turns me on, and I find myself imagining her and I living our life together. I believe that my husband knows that I have strong feelings for her. See, he knows she's lesbian. He says that my face lights up every time I talked to her. My daughter knows everything about me and her and she says the same thing. She tells me that I need to do what makes me happy. Now, finally, my dilemma. How can I be sure that I really am lesbian? I know it's not fair, but I don't want to ruin my marriage if I may not be. I've wanted to leave my marriage for many years now, but didn't because of my daughter. She's 22 now and married. Also, thinking back on all my experiences, I can't recall one time that the male anatomy turned me on. But the female anatomy really turns me on big time. Please HELP!!!
Answer: I don't believe there is a short and easy answer to your question, as we are too complex for that. If there was an easy answer you would already know it.
If you have read my article about sexual orientation you know I don't recommend people accept labels. Labels limit your options rather than describing who you are. Changing a label will not change who you are.
Regardless of whether you choose a label it appears your current partner doesn't fulfill all your needs. You are not the same person you were twenty years ago and your needs have likely changed. Your husband may not have changed or grown with you. I don't know that he can change to be what you need even if he wanted to.
If you both got married only for the sake of the child and the child is raised and out of the house then it is probably best for you both to move on, and you both would know and agree on that fact. If he loved you then and still loves you now then things get a lot more complex.
You need to consider what initially motivated you to date and engage in sex with your husband. Was there initially a mutual attraction or were you simply doing as everyone expected you to? He asked you out and you felt obligated to say yes, and things went forward from there? If you were initially attracted to him on a physical and sexual level then that is something important to consider. Did you fake it in the beginning or was there a real connection? Are you now a dissatisfied housewife/business woman or is it something more? Being dissatisfied with your life now doesn't make you a lesbian.
Once you did the "right thing" by getting married you put all your personal desires and wants on hold. If you hadn't gotten married because you were pregnant would you have been looking for male or female partners? Why didn't you have a female partner twenty years ago? Because of social, family, and peer pressure, or because you found men attractive at the time? Did you enjoy sex with him in the beginning and was it as exciting then as sex with your female partner is today? Are you attracted to women today simply because it is new and a little taboo?
You need to look beyond the physical and sexual and consider the psychological aspects of your marriage. Are the problems in your current relationship going to be resolved by a new partner or only transfer from one relationship to another? Is the root cause of the arguing going to be resolved, or is the root cause poor communication skills?
A difference in levels of sexual desire may once again become a problem once the idea of girl/girl sex is not new and exciting and you have to rely on innate sexual desire, emotional intimacy, and affection to provide the motivation to participate in sex. Or are you presuming your new partner will only want sex as often as you do with your husband? In long term relationships you have to make a concerted effort to keep the sex fun and fulfilling. The same old thing three times a week will likely become boring regardless of the anatomy of your partner.
Many women find the female body more appealing than the male body, this is something I mention in the article about sexual orientation. I believe this is caused by the way society views and idolizes the female body. Are you more than aesthetically attracted to other women? Does your clitoris throb and your vagina become wet when you see your female partner? Is your happiness at seeing of speaking of her more than emotional happiness? Is your dislike of heterosexual porn caused by your discomfort with the male body? I know of heterosexual women who prefer girl/girl porn so that in of itself this doesn't mean anything. Many women also experimented as a child with other girls and it is hard to know what is more than simple nonsexual curiosity, it only has or developed a sexual context because of the organs involved and the sexual pleasure that may result.
Many people stay in bad relationships out of fear of the unknown. They know what to expect and there is a certain degree of comfort in that. Once you exit the relationship you are on your own. The dividing up of households, families, and friends can be quite painful too, unless you are fortunate to be able to be friends with the ex, but that is likely a rare occurrence unless both know and agree the relationship is over without placing blame.
The desire to end the relationship needs to come from within the relationship rather than there being external factors at play. If the only or primary motivation is your girlfriend and things do not work out with her things could get ugly. You may run back to your husband when you shouldn't, etc. There could be increased risks associated with jumping from one relationship to the next without a pause. I would recommend moving out on your own and dating before living with another person exclusively, regardless of their anatomy.
The decision about your marriage and sexual orientation need to be made separately.
Question: I am a 44 year old woman who experiences orgasms during lovemaking, I can have 3, but after that my body quivers and I literally melt, and it takes days to get my body to function right, all my nerves are super sensitive and I ache all over, why is that? most women I know don't get orgasms, I am lucky but my lover won't stop and I have to fight him, knowing my body SHUTS down, is this normal?....thank you.
Answer: I am not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis only general information.
This is a topic that is outside my area of knowledge.
I can only say that a change in sexual response is of greater concern than something that has always remained the same. I would expect what you describe to be a general health issue rather than a sexual one. The fact that it affects your health for more than a day should perhaps be brought to a doctor's attention, as it may indicate a health concern. You may have to have blood work done before and after experiencing your orgasmic limit.
I am concerned that your partner doesn't respect your sexual limits. You are not some mountain for him to climb and conquer. Perhaps you need to consult a family therapist about this. There is a chance the physical side affects you experience are caused by the psychological aspect of him not respecting you and your wishes.
Some women can only experience one orgasm per sexual experience and that is normal for them. We do not have answers to explain every individual's sexual experience.
Question: Me and my boyfriend were having safe sex and the condom slipped off while he was still inside, will the condom come out on its own or should I go to the emergency room (my doctor's office is several hours from where I am currently and I don't know of any others around here)?
Answer: It probably will not come out on its own. You should be able to reach into your vagina with your fingers and remove the condom. Your boyfriend may have to do it if you cannot do it on your own.
If pregnancy is a possibility you may need to consider the morning after pill.
Question 1: I was hoping if you could answer my questions about foreplay. During foreplay, when my partner is stimulating my clitoris and it gets really intense I can't help but laugh sometimes, also it can sometimes hurt and sting, are these natural? or anything to be worried about?
Answer 1: Are you able to masturbate to orgasm? Have you ever experienced orgasm with a partner?
Question 2: No I have never orgasmed when masturbating or with a partner. I think part of it is to do with me not wanting to laugh as it may ruin it.
Answer 2: The laughter is perhaps the result of nervous anxiety. You perhaps feel vulnerable and are not able to surrender control. Since your mind and body do not know how to experience orgasm they may actually work against you during partnered sex. Sex therapists generally recommend women learn to masturbate to orgasm before trying to experience orgasm with a partner, as their partner is usually a distraction.
The pain and burning are not normal and could indicate a lack of lubrication or that your partner is using too much pressure.
Please see the information linked to below:
Advice for Pre-Orgasmic Women
Question: I am recently married and have just begun to have sex. We were both virgins and I felt a lot of pressure at first and even pain when he entered me. We went slow and he used his fingers inside a condom to help me get used to the feeling. Recently, I have been able to allow three fingers inside me all the way in. My husband then did something that made me feel like I had to pee: he said he did the finger motion "come here" inside me. From what I understand, the urge to pee can come from the G-spot being rubbed or touched, is this what happened? When we finally did actually have sex, I felt the same way, but the urge to pee was coming from inside me, further in (or up) in my body. What was this feeling? Will I always feel this or will it go away? It is kind of uncomfortable because I am a clean girl and feel like jumping up to us the bathroom in the middle of it.
Answer: Your partner's penis could be pressing against your bladder, as indicated by the MRI image linked to below, which was made while a couple was engage in vaginal intercourse. The bladder is the bright white area at the tip of the penis.
His penis may be pressing or hitting against your cervix, the bottom portion of your uterus, and this can result in some intense sensations, that some women find enjoyable but others find uncomfortable or painful. The same nerve pathway feeds the female prostate and the cervix.
The urge to urinate is very common among women during sex and unless you learn to accept this as normal it will likely be a barrier to sexual pleasure for you, as mentioned in the Q&A linked to below:
You should discuss with your husband the feelings you are experiencing and the possibility that you may release liquid, and put some towels down just in case you do.
If you see your natural body fluids or vulva as dirty you will find it more challenging to enjoy sex. If you are healthy your urine is not harmful to you or your partner so there no medical reason to worry about being unclean if you should release some during sex. The only thing that will happen is that you will both get wet.
