Hi Megan,

I am very happy to hear that my website has been helpful to you.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us.

When reading the following please keep in mind the fact that I am by no means an expert on sexual abuse or incest.

I have heard that women who have been sexually abused can mentally disconnect from their body and a sexual experience, and as a result shut down sexually, if not completely. They aren't able to experience sexual arousal, pleasure, or orgasm because their mind and body associate sex with something that is harmful and best avoided, so they enter the flight or fight state of mind and body. They try to run away from sexual experiences mentally if not physically. If the abuse was harmful at the time it is easy to see why this response would be learned. I don't know if girls/women who didn't see the sexual activity as inappropriate at the time of their occurrence could or would develop the same response. I don't believe avoidance can be learned from consensual experiences that are pleasurable, though it can be learned from consensual but harmful experiences.

If you later learn that what you consented to was considered by others to be inappropriate, you may learn to avoid sexual situations, as they produce sexual feelings that trigger feelings of guilt. You may experience guilt as a result of having willingly engaged in a sexual activity, or at a minimum, for not stopping it, even if you didn't know any better at the time. You may learn to avoid sex because of learned guilt rather than prior harmful sexual experiences. This also applies to women who have a strict religious upbringing, but no history of abuse, as they feel guilty for something they haven't actually done, or having done something that everyone else is doing, because it is a necessity of survival for our species. Some religions believe we aren't suppose to find anything enjoyable in this lifetime, least of all, the pleasures our bodies can give us.

Women with similar experiences may certainly feel more quilt than is warranted, as they were never told what constitutes sex and why it should be avoided. Incest is so taboo it is unlikely parents will explain to their children what it actually is, assuming they should instinctively know. Young children also have no concept of sex, even though they are suppose to know they should avoid it at all costs; it certainly isn't suppose to be something that feels good to engage in. Even if you come to realize what you were doing is considered wrong by others, your own experiences may tell you otherwise; you may wonder how something that is so fun, exciting, and enjoyable can be so bad.

If you read through the masturbation techniques and experiences women have shared you will see that many of them started masturbating long before they had any concept of sex. As a result of being protected from sex they have no concept of it. They simply learned and knew that stimulating their vulva was pleasurable. They may have known that "sex" was considered bad, but they did not realize the pleasurable experiences they enjoyed had anything to do with sex, because they weren't harmful experiences. Based on their experiences, it is easy to see how a girl of eight to eleven would not automatically know what sex is or what she is expected to avoid. If anything, she would not associate positive experiences with something that is considered bad; why
would she?

Many women with no history of sexual abuse also have trouble staying focused on the sexual experience, especially during partnered sex, as there are so many potential distractions. Our minds are always racing ahead, because we have a million things we must get done, so it is hard to remain focused on the moment. This can be the result of being stressed by daily life or a medical condition like Attention Deficient Disorder (ADD). Many women report their most intense orgasms occur during masturbation, because there are no distractions, they can focus on a fantasy, and they don't have to worry about their partner's wants and needs. Their masturbation session are probably over relatively quickly too, if they so desire, meaning they don't need to remain focused for very long. This may not be so true when two people are trying to get to the same point, orgasm, but must fulfill totally different needs to get there.

Since you can experience sexual arousal and orgasm during oral sex I am led to believe your impaired orgasmic response in other situations is not the result of your childhood sexual experiences or guilt, but what is a simple fact of life for you, as many women experience the same. If you read through the website, especially the Q&As about impaired orgasmic response, you will see this is a common, dare I say normal, experience. The experience of being orgasmic in a limited number of situations is quite normal, despite what the mass media may appear to indicate.

Don't try to be what others expect of you, be yourself. Not experiencing orgasm during intercourse or other sexual situations is only a problem if you believe it is. You are only missing out on something if you believe you are, and many women enjoy intercourse simply because it feels good, even though they don't experience orgasm, and may not want to, and others simply don't enjoy it because it isn't physically pleasurable for them. Others enjoy intercourse because it gives their partner pleasure, and are happy experiencing sexual pleasure through other means. Each of these women is no better off than the others, or more sexually fulfilled.

Learning to trust someone and surrender control is challenging for many if not most young women, as they are under intense pressure to be everything but who they truly are, to hide their true selves from others. You may be fearful of becoming a sexually uninhibited girl once again, believing you should never have been so, and must hide this experience from others. If you and your boyfriend see yourself as normal, as in there is nothing to hide from, then you will find it easier to surrender control. If you believe the following is true, that having consensual sex with your brother isn't necessarily abnormal or harmful, then you will feel more comfortable being yourself, if this is true, and more able to surrender control during sex, as you aren't fearful of being that person once again. If it was harmful, then you also must be comfortable saying so, for being angry, and expressing your anger, if you are angry with him or the events. The truth can go both ways, and I certainly don't know the truth.

If your brother took advantage of you, of your youth and naivety, that doesn't make your experience bad or wrong. He can be guilty of a wrong without you being equally guilty, if he took advantage of you on some level, regardless of your experience of those events. He may even have taken advantage of any benefit or pleasure you may have experienced, used your pleasure against you. If neither of you took advantage of the other then perhaps neither of you should feel guilty. If you believe that saying, "I engaged in sexual activities with my brother," is a statement of fact rather than judgment then you will probably feel better about being yourself. Acknowledging your experience should not be a form of judgment.

You are what you believe you are. The sexual experiences you had as a child may not have harmed you in anyway, regardless of what you did or who you did it with. You may only be harmed by those experiences if you believe and expect that you were. If you believe you are normal with your own unique, yet not so unique, needs, you may not have be harmed by those experiences. This is not to say that you were not harmed by those experiences, and this I cannot say one way or another.

I hope my comments are of help. I am in no way trying to alter your feelings and believes about your experiences, only acknowledge your feelings may differ from what others expect them to be. You certainly don't have to agree with my comments, nor do I expect you too. They are merely my opinion, not a statement of fact.

Brad