Question: Great website! I have a question. This is something that has been bothering me for years and I just wanted to get your opinion on it. First of all, I am a single 39 year old lesbian who is somewhat on the feminine side. The fastest way for me to become sexually aroused when masturbating is to think of a man, and often a gay man, becoming sexually aroused. It's a fantasy where I'm the guy and I'm getting aroused in front of someone (sometimes I'm famous and it's a photo shoot) and it's totally beyond my control. Usually it ends with the other person noticing the erection and them getting aroused too (usually a guy). Is this weird or what? Why would a lesbian think of gay men? There is no contact between the men in the fantasies... just looking. I often put a dildo in my pants and kind of act it out. I think I have a lot of shame about this. Sometimes I masturbate thinking of other women, but it's not as fast or easy. But I don't' feel bad or guilty after the second type of masturbating (when I'm identifying as a woman). Should I be worried? Thanks for answering.
Answer: Your fantasies do not sound unusual at all. I have read other advice columns for lesbians where women wrote in to ask if it was normal for a lesbian to fantasized about men in sexual situations, or to enjoy gay porn, so you are not alone. It appears the majority of heterosexual women fantasize about engaging in sex with women so should we be surprised if some lesbian women fantasize about engaging in sex with men? Generally, the more taboo something is the more erotic it is. I don't believe it is unusual for women to be curious about having a penis, to experience what it is like, even if they are comfortable being a feminine women. By taking on a male identity not only is your arousal more obvious, who can overlook an erect penis, but also more socially acceptable than public female sexual arousal. Some lesbians may fantasize about sex with gay men because it provides some degree of deniability and emotional safety, as a gay man probably would never have sex with her even if she wanted to, but a heterosexual man may, so there is less risk of it actually happening. Your sexual fantasies in of themselves do not appear to determine our sexual orientation. So enjoy the pleasure your fantasies provide.
As a side note, just as heterosexual women may engage in sexual activities with women so to may lesbian women engage in sexual activities with men, before or after identifying as a lesbian. They may do so out of curiosity or emotional and/or physical needs at the time. While there may be guilt experienced as a result, it doesn't necessarily have any bearing on their sexual orientation or indicate they were unfaithful to themselves or the lesbian community. It is simply one of those things that happens.