Question: Currently a female friend and I are discussing your website, but it came to her attention that in one of the first paragraphs, it is said that the clitoris/orgasm serves no purpose other than pleasure, but doesn't orgasm actually open up the vagina and allow the penis easier access? The clitoris aids in the orgasm, and therefore both would seem to have a purpose if this is the case.
I'd like to know if that's true, and if it is... well I'm no expert on anything sexual, but I'd imagine that that part should be corrected. I really admire your website, I wish I'd found it when I was a little bit younger. I just think that any incorrect information this early on in the website may turn off readers, which would be unfortunate, because I don't think they would get as good of an education on other sites, as they would here.Answer: From a reproductive and historical perspective, female orgasm doesn't usually occur prior to vaginal intercourse, so the clitoris and orgasm didn't and doesn't normally or frequently facilitate intercourse. For what you say to be true, foreplay that resulted in orgasm would always have had to play a major role in human sexual interaction, and I don't believe that is true. On the other hand, successful intercourse doesn't require female orgasm to occur beforehand, and a high degree of sexual arousal isn't required prior to intercourse either; the vagina only needs to be moist enough to permit penetration. The vaginal ache that the majority of women experience during sexual arousal also tends to motivate them to seek out penetration prior to orgasm, even during their masturbation activities. In addition, female orgasm isn't required of successful reproduction, and the role of the clitoris and female orgasm in reproduction and evolution is still greatly debated among scholars. I would say the clitoris and female orgasm are more about pleasure than reproduction, or facilitating reproduction. We also tend to forget that very few species on this planet engage in recreational sex like we humans, for most sex is only about reproduction. While some species engage in prolonged mating rituals, for many if not most, the length of intercourse if only a matter of seconds. If there is pleasure associated with the activity, it is short lived.
Question: Hi my name is Nazifa. I 25 years old. I love masturbating. I have been doing it ever since the age of 7. One of my techniques are similar to many others. When I get the time I will go up to my bedroom and lock it. I will put a piece of old material over the edge of the door and draw the curtains. Then I will get completely naked. I like to start off my humping a pile of pillows then when I feel ready I will lay on my back legs spread and knees up. I will imagine one of my secondary school crushes watching me for about 2 minutes then he will come and do it for me. He will start at my breasts and work his way down with his hands. Once he gets down to my vulva he will eat me out.
I want to know if anyone else has felt the urge to masturbate in school. When I was younger, I had the urge to masturbate and it felt very uncomfortable. I know that my niece masturbates all the time and she has only found the confidence to tell me, and not her mum. She wants to know what to do when she needs to masturbate in school but can't. I told her that I don't really know, but I had the same problem when I was her age.Answer: The subject of girls masturbating at school is addressed in the Q&As linked to below; it isn't an uncommon occurrence.
qa_31.htm#9
qa_41.htm#10
Intense sexual desire is addressed in the discussion form, as well as in articles on the website.
http://www.the-clitoris.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=7
managed_risk.htm
desire.htm
Question: I am twenty-one years old, and I am a virgin. However, I have had several sexual experiences throughout my life, all of which occurred before age thirteen. I want to share my experiences with other women because I feel as if other girls might have problems similar to mine, but may be too ashamed to admit it or talk about it.
I am not sure when the molestation began, but my first memories of it were between the age of three and four (most likely the latter). I remember bouncing on a specific man's knee and him having his hand between my legs, as if securing me so I wouldn't fall, but being rubbed at the same time. For years and years, I wasn't sure if he even meant to do this. To this day, I still think it could have been an accident, but the pressure he put on my body was so significant that I took notice of it and tried to replicate it frequently in the future.
I feel so embarrassed for admitting this now, especially because I don't know exactly how or why it started. But when I was about five or so, I became very proud. Proud of my body, my clothes, of anything I had. I used to walk around showing my panties to everyone who would look, male or female. I wore a lot of Little Mermaid underwear at the time, which I was obsessed with, and I didn't think of it as sexual when I lifted my dress and displayed them for all to see. It was just an innocent game. I never realized that it was inappropriate, because I didn't mean any harm.
My father and uncle had a very close family friend who came over for all birthday parties, holidays and occasional visits. He is almost forty years older than me. I mentioned my habit of showing my underwear off because I used to do the same thing to him. The difference with him, though, is that he took advantage of me when I was a little girl. He was often given the task of babysitting me when my parents weren't around. I was very comfortable with him, so I saw nothing wrong with laying in his lap or hanging around him. I'm sure I was annoying.
I am not positive when it began, but I remember this "friend" asking me who was on my underwear that day. I loved Disney characters so I was usually wearing something of that nature, and once I showed him, he would talk about the movies with me. It reached a point where he would ask if he could "pat" one of the characters on my underwear, Flounder and one of the 101 Dalmatians to be particular, and I would let him. I thought it tickled and I remember laughing a lot. I liked the way it felt but I don't think I connected it to sexual pleasure at that point, because I didn't know what it was.
This went on for a while, and caused me to begin compulsively masturbating. Though I did not have any orgasms at this stage, my parents caught me several times and yelled at me for touching myself. I became afraid of my genital area, which my "friend" eventually learned during one of our "petting" sessions. He told me that this kind of touching needed to be kept a secret and he would never get mad at me for it. I think that's what made me decide, for certain, that I trusted him and believed that what he did to me was okay.
Over the months, his simple petting became a bit more extreme. Through my underwear, he would press his fingertip between my labia and stroke my clitoris. I was so shocked by the sensation that I squirmed away at first and refused to let him continue, because I was scared. I wasn't educated about sex or sexual pleasure, let alone my own body. I don't remember how but he reassured me and continued to touch my clit while I wore my panties, almost every time he babysat me. I loved it in the same way that I loved when one of my parents gave me a back rub, because I didn't know it was dirty at the time. I feel ashamed and disgusting now, that I could have possibly enjoyed such a sick thing.
Never once did he make me touch him. I am confused about that. I wonder why he would have molested me if HE didn't want sexual satisfaction himself. He focused all his attention on me, which became more explicit as time passed. When I was nine, and my parents were out, we sat together on the couch and he made me watch a porn movie. It didn't arouse me, it made me scared of sex. However, he fingered me throughout the entire movie and I recall orgasming several times. I think his goal most of the time was to make me cum, because of the way he manipulated my clitoris, but I didn't realize that then. I feel faint and sick just talking about this.
I was so brainwashed and so trusting of him that I let him do whatever he wanted, thinking it was just a "secret game". We played "doctor" frequently, where he would spread my vaginal lips and use different things on me. Sometimes it hurt, specifically when he would use one of those detachable pencil erasers to suction my clit. He pinched it with a clothes-pin as well, which I hated, but he would "make up" for it by tickling my clitoris with a feather or a paint brush. He was very persistent in the sense that he made sure I had an orgasm before we stopped. Sometimes I dreaded cumming because he would continue to touch me afterward, and my clitoris was painfully sensitive then.
I also had a little stuffed lamb toy with a string on it, and when you pulled the string, the lamb would vibrate intensely for a few seconds. He often put that inside the front of my panties when putting me to bed, and would pull it over and over again until I started to fall asleep. I think I had the most sexual orgasms this way, and I began to look forward to the nights when he would be babysitting until bedtime. It makes me very sad to realize that.
This man has since passed away, but I never forgot about him. Most of all, I haven't forgotten the influence he had over me. Ever since I was five, I've had a certain hyper-sexuality. I'm almost always aroused, and I've masturbated compulsively since early childhood. I've done my best to hide it from my parents all the while. It doesn't take much to turn me on, and I feel almost obligated to have a clitoral orgasm at least once per night. I'm extremely ashamed of myself and insecure, and afraid of developing an intimate relationship with another person. I cannot discuss sex with anyone in person, so even this is a big step for me. Is there something wrong with me?Answer: I'm afraid my answer to your question, "Is there something wrong with me?" is a bit long winded. The short answer is: No, there is nothing wrong with you, you are perfectly normal.
Given that other preadolescent girls and young women are equally as sexual as you were and are, I would argue the abuser took advantage of your sexuality rather than causing you to be sexual, or hypersexual. Other women are equally, if not more, desirous of sex and masturbation, even though they have no history of sexual abuse. These same women may feel their sexuality is also out of their control, even if no one has assumed control over their sexuality in the past.
Your sexual desire and frequency of masturbation are likely the result of the hormones circulating throughout your body, not prior experiences. Your childhood experiences may have increased your sexual awareness, but others experience the same sexual awakening, even outside the context of sexual abuse. "Sexual girls" frequently feel a "little abnormal," given the common believe that they should be completely asexual. Being a "sexual" girl/teen/woman can serve to isolate you from your peers, if your peers know, or you fear they may find out; you may alter your behavior simply because you suspect they "know the truth." Even today, our society isn't fully accepting of female sexual experiences and expression, even if it is consensual, or comprised solely of fantasy and masturbation. This may have major implications for those who have experienced sexual abuse, as they have never been permitted to be in control of their sexuality, even though they are frequently still held responsible for their sexuality, actions, and even sexual responses.
At a young age, girls are often extremely aware of what it means to be "sexual," even if they don't actually know what sex is, even if they have experienced sexual activities, not knowing that they had. Young girls often know that certain labels, like slut and whore, have a very negative meaning, without knowing their true meaning, because the manner in which they are used by adults. To varying degrees, girls and women are fearful of being sexual, even when their sexuality and sexual experiences are the result of being exploited. Regardless of cause and origin, female sexuality in any form may result in emotional conflict and stress for the individual who experiences them, especially if their sexuality seems beyond their control, and was never within their control. Society often believes and expects, women to be in full control of their sexuality, but if they have never been allowed to have control over it, a lot of distress is a likely end result.
Since you are a virgin, it is perhaps safe to conclude your sexual desire and interest aren't the result of a need or the practice of using sex to gain the attention of others. Some women, even those who haven't been sexually abused, learn to use sex to gain attention and approval from others, which likely isn't beneficial for them or their relationships. Pretending to be sexual to fulfill the wants of others is not beneficial, but this is a practice some sexually abused women learn during childhood; how to use sex to make others happy, and to gain approval and attention, or to avoid further emotional or physical harm. To some extent, it is perhaps beneficial that you have thus far said no to partnered sex, but still enjoy masturbation, though undoubtedly with some degree of guilt.
The guilt that results from your sexual desire and masturbation activities should perhaps be addressed and resolved first, as doing so may allow you to feel in control of your body and sexuality. Masturbation allows you to express and control your sexuality, though only if you are first comfortable with your sexuality, which many, if not most women, aren't. Understandably, at present you may want to turn your sexuality off, or at least the sexual desire, to allow you to feel in control of your body and sexuality. It is important to note, an absence of sexual desire doesn't result in control over it, only an absence of something to control. Control over your sexual desire really means, controlling how you express it, and are rewarded by it, through sexual pleasure. Sexual control is really about sexual freedom, the freedom to express your sexuality, in whatever form best satisfies you. The prior sexual abuse currently prevents you from experiencing that freedom.
While it is perhaps easier said than done, you must acknowledge you are perfectly normal, and to be in control of your sexuality doesn't mean you have to suppress or deny your experience of it, yesterday and today. Perhaps it would help if you acknowledged, girls and women who haven't experienced sexual abuse often feel highly motivated to masturbate and engage in partnered sex, and also have no control over this motivation, but gain control over their sexuality through the manner in which they choose to express and enjoy it. For all women, female sexual desire is a very taboo subject in Western culture, and perhaps even more so for those who have been sexually abused. If anything, society believes the experience of sexual abuse eliminates all sexual motives, though in reality, human biology doesn't always conform to this expectation.
You should acknowledge the abuser is in control for as long as he causes you to feel guilty about your sexuality and sexual pleasures, yesterday and today. Then acknowledge that you have the right to enjoy your body, and the abuser can't take that right away from you. You personal mantra should perhaps be, "I'm perfectly normal, and I have a right to enjoy MY body and MY sexual pleasures." Say this to yourself when you look in the mirror, prior to masturbating, and anytime you begin to feel guilty. Say it over and over again.
In the survey linked to below, 42% of female teens and women admit to masturbating to orgasm one or more times a day. 26% (1 out of 4) admit to masturbating more than once a day, which means many of them masturbate more often than you.
http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/184811/results
In the survey linked to below, 56% of women say they believe their level of sexual desire is greater than that of their peers. Many women may then feel motivated to consider themselves to be "hypersexual," even if there is no history of sexual abuse.
http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/177968/results
In the Q&A linked to below, in the table of data presented, you can see young girls frequently expose their "sex parts" to adults, which probably doesn't include the number who only expose their underwear. If anything, I believe we should fault your parents and society for allowing and permitting this practice, of placing cartoon characters on underwear; it is kind of perverse when you step back and think about it. You aren't suppose to show off your vulva, or underwear, but the cartoon characters would tend to encourage this activity, and elicit a positive response from others when you did, providing a motive to repeat the undesired activity. Leaves room for considerable confusion on the child's part. The Q&A primarily concerns a very sexually expressive five-year-old girl, which may help you to feel more comfortable with your own experiences and actions.
child_sex.htm
It is common for young girls to masturbate, sometimes openly, and even after being chastised by their parents for doing so; they simply learn to hide the activity. Even in the absence of the abuser's approval, it is likely you would have continued to masturbate, after a short pause, because the rewards masturbation provided you, as is the case with most young women today, especially when puberty begins to occur. Despite your parent's message, you weren't doing anything abnormal. If anything, your parents created an environment of even greater secrecy, which allowed the abuse to develop further, and continue.
Your parent's and society inadvertently created the need for secrecy, which the abuser was able to exploit to his advantage. If the secrecy over masturbation hadn't existed, isn't it more likely you may have mentioned your activities, with the abuser, to your parents and others? In the absence of chastisement and secrecy, isn't it more likely you would have said to someone, "Look at what so and so showed me?" Your parents were perhaps too quick to chastise, rather than ask questions and understand your motivations, which may have revealed the abuse. If they hadn't chastised your for masturbating, isn't it possible you may have asked them to stimulate your vulva during one of your equally enjoyable back massages, which if they would then have thought to understand, would have also revealed the abuse? Don't fault your parents directly, as society is ultimately responsible for their actions, in this instance.
Secret sharing can actually be a bonding experience, as you are empowered by the secret, and the fact that you share this secret with an adult, who at the time you looked up to. Perhaps this is why abusers are often enabled by secret keeping. We are expected to keep secrets, aren't we, and even our parents often reward us for keeping them, and punish, or at least show their displeasure, when we don't. Children likely realize their parents lie, a lot, which requires them to keep secrets, or be chastised or at least made to feel bad when they don't keep the lies a secret. Good children keep secrets, which enables abuse. Of course, since children don't know what sex is, they don't know "it" is bad, so the need to either disclose or hide the activity doesn't necessarily exist. Why are you expected to "know" without knowing?
I have seen adult/child interaction where there was the possibility for the child's genitals to be stimulated, even though they were purely innocent and socially acceptable activities. As adults and society, we presume children are incapable of sexual pleasure and responses, which allows us to overlook that possibility; more so in girls than boys, as girls aren't commonly viewed as having external genitals. Your possible enjoyment of those earliest of experiences isn't of themselves a reason for concern, only the fact that the abuser took advantage of your enjoyment them. We probably shouldn't fault your parents and others from not stopping the activity, as society prevents us from acknowledging the truth. You knew, and the abuser knew, but everyone else may have been comfortably oblivious to this fact. They may have even enjoyed your expression of pleasure, not realizing its sexual nature; you were smiling, they were happy.
In order to overcome the control the abuser still has over you, you need to disclose the abuse, which by emailing this website, to share your experience, you have started to do, and with time, you will hopefully do the same with a therapist and/or your immediate family, and eventually a prospective sexual partner, prior to becoming sexual with them. It isn't necessary for you to volunteer every detail, but you shouldn't feel it necessary to hide details either.
You must disclose the truth, but there is risk associated with doing so, unfortunately. You may only be able to express the full truth anonymously. To some extent, be careful of full disclosure, as some of your experiences do have a potentially sexual/erotic overtone, and some may enjoy hearing you relate your experiences, even if they don't and can't comprehend the consequences of your experiences. No one should specifically ask you to disclose your experiences, and you may want to question their motives if they do; even therapists shouldn't ask you to disclose more than you are wanting and able too.
A friend or partner may be motivated to have sex with you as a result of hearing about your experiences, even though they don't understand your experience, and on a logical and emotional level it makes them uncomfortable, and their response to it may also cause personal conflict. They need to know this was sexual abuse, not consensual sex. Unfortunately, some may not understand how you could at times consent to and look forward to some of these activities, and find pleasure in them, if they were truly abusive in nature, and you are quote unquote normal. You are perhaps already fully aware of this possibility, hence your prior silence and request for anonymity.
Most people really don't know what is normal versus abnormal childhood sexuality. They simply see any experience or expression of childhood sexuality as abnormal, which only serves to further socially isolate women such as yourself from society and your peers, as you may not know how you fit into their expectations. You want acceptance, but don't want to risk rejection by disclosing information about yourself that others either don't understand, or as a result of this lack of understanding, don't approve of. I suspect this is why you haven't disclosed the abuse prior, and this is why others keep equally silent, because you are fully aware of those risks. You want to be yourself, but others quite possibly have a very narrow view of who you are, both now, and after learning of the abuse.
If you see your past responses and actions as inappropriate, thus lowering your self perception and confidence, this may cause you to seek relationships with those who wouldn't be beneficial to your emotional and physical self. By maintaining your virginity, even if the circumstances aren't all positive, in doing so, it did prevent your sexuality from potentially spiraling out if control; by being a virgin you are actually demonstrating control over your sexuality, because there is likely enormous social and peer pressure for you to be otherwise. While trust, and comfort with your sexuality, are certainly issues to address, having thus far said no to partnered sex does demonstrate you have control over your sexuality, as saying no is often harder to do than saying yes, in our today's society.
I'm not a therapist, so I don't know that I can provide you with further advise, other than to seek out someone you feel comfortable discussing your experiences with. If people, even therapists, aren't open to accepting your experience, then find someone who is. Unfortunately, even the well intentioned can bring a bias into the discussion and relationship, even "professionals." Follow your instincts, because at least then you are in control.
I would highly recommend maintaining your virginity until you have disclosed your history of abuse to others, and the potential sexual partner. Sex adds a great deal of complexity to a relationship, even in the absence of abuse. So seek out friends, not lovers, in the short term. I realize, your trust issues may stand in the way of romantic relationships at the moment. Value your friendships, if you feel isolated, then perhaps joining a support group would be beneficial.
You may want to start documenting your experiences, to help you with the sexual communication, by put things into words, and to solidify your experience. There are password protected diary journals available, online and for free, if you want to ensure your thoughts remain a secret.
I don't know the motives and rewards the abuser experienced, it is possible he thought he was doing you a favor by helping you to understand your body and sexuality, not realizing the enormous amount of confusion and guilt this would ultimately cause. He may or may not have been capable of a sexual relationship with adult women, or they weren't equally available for sexual interaction, as you were, given the control he had over you, and your innocence, something older women don't commonly share. You were much more open to your sexuality than women his own age, because they knew about "sex," but you didn't. There are many factors that led to your being sexually abused, and many people are likely to blame, if nothing else, for enabling and allowing the abuse to occur. Don't accept any blame yourself, and don't be afraid to blame those who didn't protect you, or who enabled the abuse; keeping in mind that sometimes we are all victims of society.
You should feel some degree of anger towards your abuser, which you didn't express in your letter, perhaps even faulting yourself more than the abuser. It is possible that until you express some degree of anger, you may not be able to move forward. Even if you aren't "angry," you should be at least a little mad about the whole situation, but not mad at yourself. Don't be afraid of expressing your feelings in writing, or by beating up a pillow.
I sincerely hope this information is of help to you.Her Follow-up Email : I am actually VERY thankful that your response was long winded. To me, it shows that you put true thought into your letter, and that is what I really appreciate. I've been searching desperately for someone who cares enough to reply to me in full. Thank you.
First and foremost, I must say that I read every single word of your response, two times over. I'm slightly embarrassed to also say that many of your points made me extremely emotional--to the point of tears--because of how true they are. I'm amazed by your ability to understand my problems, and I'm especially touched by how you treat me as if I'm not some kind of freak. That was my biggest fear. I've never been able to portray my sexual woes to another person without being ridiculed.
Thank you for reassuring me that it's okay for me to be a virgin. You said it offers me some sort of control over my sexuality, and I believe that to be true. I wish to remain a virgin until my issues and fears are cleared, possibly with the aid of a future companion. I will never surrender my sexual self to someone unless I know for a fact that they understand what I've been through. Throughout my sexual crisis, I do not know if I am straight or gay--to me, what matters is the individual person. If I find a man, or if I find a woman, all that matters is that they love me and accept my past, no matter how ugly it is.
I do understand that explaining and discussing the explicit details of my sexual experiences may sexually "interest" others. That is partially why I've remained silent until now, and I chose to contact you because your website is extraordinary. You are very professional and the information you provide is so valuable to me. It makes me feel really good knowing that you received my e-mail without bias and answered me like a concerned gentleman, much like a doctor would. I already feel better. But, back to the original content of this paragraph, I have expressed a few of my abusive experiences to a very select amount of people, and two did try to use it against me. The fact that I experienced technical pleasure and orgasm during said abuse seemingly made them believe that I was coming onto them and asking for some form of sex, which I wasn't. Luckily, I severed contact with those two men. I realized immediately they're only going to hinder me with that attitude.
I will absolutely maintain my virginity for quite a while, until I am married, if that event ever comes to pass. As sexual as I am now, REAL sex is sacred to me, and it will take a great deal of trust and love for me to engage in such activity with someone else. It could be a man or a woman at this point. I don't care what they have between their legs, so long as we connect emotionally and they are willing to stand by me during my manic episodes and sexual anxiety.
Another part of your e-mail that helped me, was telling me I should harbor SOME anger toward my abuser. He is deceased, yes, and I have mostly forgiven him, but I cannot deny the pain and frustration he's caused me ever since he first began to manipulate me as a child. I feel terrible, dirty and unclean for enjoying my time with him, when HE knew it was wrong. HE had to know that I would feel insecure and sad about our sexual experiences later on in life, especially when he was so adamant about keeping it a secret.
I feel dirty and self loathing because I automatically "fantasize" about my sexual encounters with this man while masturbating. Half the time, they dishearten and disgust me enough that I simply stop and refuse to touch myself for quite a while. Other times, I use the memories to achieve sexual satisfaction.
I'm still so confused, but your letter, Brad, has made me feel leaps and bounds better than what I did before. Honestly, you've helped me more than any therapist thus far. I feel good in knowing that you read my letter and responded to me specifically, rather than giving me generic answers like most other sites would. You are a wonderful person.
I hope to keep corresponding with you, because so far, you're the only one who understands me and hasn't judged me to Hell. Thanks so much.
Question: First I would like to compliment you on how well and thoroughly you've answered questions. I have learned quite a lot in just reading a few posts, and I had already considered myself knowledgeable in sexuality.
I'm a 28 year old woman and have never had an orgasm during sex. Unfortunately, I discovered orgasm through a vibrator and have only climaxed a handful of times without one, and only when I was much younger.
I always find myself faking it during sex, even when there is no pressure. I find it easier to enjoy the intimacy and physical stimulation without having to worry if my partner feels inadequate or overworked. In the past I have attempted with partners to achieve orgasm during sex, but never climaxed and it left my partners feel frustrated. I have been with several partners, the majority of which were very open and interested in my needs, and I more than willing to give instruction. I want so badly to be able to achieve an orgasm while making love with mine and my partner's bodies being the only tools needed.
Also, I have been without a sexual partner for around 8 months, and have found that is increasingly difficult for me to achieve orgasm alone.(with my toys-vibrator and dildo). It seems that I go beyond the usual thigh tension to include what feels like every muscle in my body. My masturbation "ritual" is always the same, on my back, tense and either over too quickly or painfully long. The orgasms are never as good as they were two years ago, and faint shadows of what they were 5 years ago.
I'd also like to add what I think may be contributing factors to my issues, things that might help you help me. I am overweight, and though I have no qualms about my nakedness or sexuality (I love me!) I have found sex to be difficult at times. In addition, I went through a terribly painful breakup at the beginning of this year, which has of course affected my moods, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder (though currently not on medication), and I experienced repeated sexual molestation from the ages of 6-8. (not at all violent).
I am at a loss on how to move forward and improve my sex life and pleasure. I hope there's something you know that I have not yet studied. Sorry for such a long question!
Answer: I don't know that I have much I can add in regard to your experience that isn't already addressed on the website. Please see the following information if you haven't already done so.
Many Q&A's address similar experiences:
qa_index_arousal.htm#impaired
Hormonally driven sexual desire and response could be on the decline by the age of 28:
qa_41.htm#4
The following medical research article may be of interest in regard to your history of sexual abuse. Basically, how you personally categorize the abuse influences how it may impact your sexuality, but even then your perception of the consequences may not necessarily be true.
http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?tool=pubmed&pubmedid=17727351
The brain is the largest sexual organ and controls your perception of your sexuality and sexual experiences, so obviously the emotional and psychological factors you describe would influence your sexuality, at least your perception of it.
It is perhaps impossible to know if the use of a vibrator to experience your first orgasm has adversely affected your sexual experiences, especially since you were once able to experience orgasm without them, in your youth. Now you must consider all the things that have changed since then, which is perhaps greater in number than you can count.
Are you overweight because of bad eating habits, or because eating has come to pacify unfulfilled emotional needs? Most American's don't eat for survival, but for the pleasure of it, and that pleasure can be used to fill an emotional void. The more stressed we are the more we may eat, even if physically we don't really need all those calories. Regular excise may improve your overall mental and physical health. Being over weight does contribute to heart disease, which will adversely influence your sexuality at some point.
weight.htm
Faking orgasm so your partner doesn't feel bad would tend to adversely affect you emotionally and sexually. You protect your partner at your own expense. It isn't your fault if they have low self esteem or don't truly know the facts about female sexuality, beyond the physical aspects. Men who truly understand female sexuality know they aren't going to give their partner an orgasm every time, as mentioned in the discussion forum posting linked to below. The average woman isn't going to have an orgasm 3 out of 10 times during partnered sex, 1 out 2 times if they are in their teens.
http://www.the-clitoris.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=13
You and your future partner should focus on intimacy and pleasure rather than orgasms, especially with increasing age, and possibly declining overall health and sexual desire. Perhaps you both need to take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure, i.e. orgasms, so your partner isn't left feeling responsible. While it may not sound romantic, if either feels the need to experience orgasm, either masturbate or ask your partner to provide manual or oral stimulation, if they feel up to it. Sex is not a substitute for emotional or physical intimacy.
As far as your currently masturbation experiences, regular physical exercise may help, as may learning to make love to yourself rather than simply masturbating. As I mention on the website, the key is mental stimulation, even more so than perhaps physical stimulation. Find some porn that really turns you on, rather than starting with physical stimulation.
Question: What type of skin makes up the labia minora? Is it stratified epithelium? Please respond when you get the chance and let me know.
Answer: Yes, it is stratified squamous epithelium, at least the outer surfaces.
From the book The Clitoris by Thomas P Lowry, M.D. and Thea Snyder Lowry, M.A. Copyright 1976 Pg 14
"Minor lips are moist, ruddy, or pink, and are covered with stratified squamous epithelium, cornified externally...Sebaceous glands are common both internally and externally, but without associated hair follicles. (Bloom and Fawcett, '68, Stieve, '30). Centrally labia minora are composed of loose collagenous and elastic connective tissue, with large vascular structures, venous presumably, and semi-erectile or congestive."
Which is also stated in Google Books:
http://books.google.com/
And the following website states:
"The labia minora are rich in nerve endings and are usually sensitive to touch. These skin folds have a core of erectile connective tissue analogous to the male corpus spongiosum and are covered by stratified squamous epithelium."
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1372175-overview
Question: Is it possible to enjoy getting your clit licked by a guy but not be attracted to him?
Answer: Technically yes, but this doesn't mean it is always or usually a possibility for the individual woman. The brain is the largest sexual organ and ultimately determines what is possible, more so than the body alone. The scenario you describe isn't much different from using a vibrator to stimulate the clitoris during masturbation. A vibrator or tongue can be used to provide the necessary stimulation required to cause sexual arousal and orgasm. Women though likely see a huge difference between using a vibrator versus a man or woman to fulfill a purely sexual motive.
I don't know how many women could allow this scenario to become a reality, mainly because of social conditioning and morality would prevent it. This basically amounts to casual sex, or possibly "friends with benefits." This is something society generally doesn't allow a woman to experience, for which there could be negative consequences if it were known to her peers, family, and community. A vibrator can't judge you, and there isn't much of a chance for an emotional connection or emotional consequences when one is used. Even if the woman isn't attracted to a man, she would have to feel totally safe with the situation, and not be fearful of negative consequences.
Another factor would be a woman's level of sexual desire and arousal. If a woman is highly desirous of sex and orgasm, and feels compelled to get off, your scenario seems more likely, assuming negative consequences don't exist, or simply aren't considered. Even then, I suspect a woman would choose a partner she finds attractive, though this attraction could be influenced by her level of desire. Even when highly desirous of sex, women still tend to be selective; sex generally means intercourse, so for most women, experiencing only oral stimulation probably isn't even something they consider.
Some women experience sexual challenges because they choose a partner they aren't sexually attracted too. I believe this is more likely a problem when a woman's libido needs external stimulation, rather than finding herself in the mood for sex in any form, but this is scenario society doesn't condone, though I know teens and women actually experience it from time to time.
If you are teen who wants to explore sex, or a friend has expressed an interest in exploring sex with you, yes there is a chance you may find it enjoyable, assuming as I mentioned above, you can relax and don't think about things too much. If you can get your brain focused on a sexual fantasy, the cause of any physical stimulation you are experiencing will likely be of less importance.
Question: Allow me to start this email by telling you how much I love your web site. The article on the loss of virginity changed a lot my perceptions regarding sex and it reassured me greatly. Actually I have two questions:first of all, what are the professions of the authors of the factual articles (especially the article on the loss of virginity, is the author a sex therapist?). Second of all, a purely anatomical question :I'm a 21 year old virgin (who does feel the need to rush), and I am wondering if my pubic bone (the part on which my exterior sexual organs rest) is too "low" for penetration to be possible. I find that there isn't much "room" down there for real penetration. I can put a big sized tampon in no problem, but I know that a penis is quite bigger, and I masturbate no problem...anyways greatly appreciated. Keep the excellent work.
Answer: I wrote the article about virginity but I don't have any professional credentials. As I mention in the About section of the website, the website began as a hobby, but has grown into much more. My latest articles and updates contain documentation and references, as there is increased need to provide proof of my claims.
Anytime something enters the vagina it must stretch in the direction of your anus, not your pubic bone. This is especially true during vaginal birth. The article linked to below addresses some of your concerns, as it talks about stretching and inserting objects into the vagina.
loc_vag.htm
The second image on the page about the anatomy of the vulva, linked to below, shows the location of the vulva in reference to the pelvic outlet, formed by the pelvic bones. It demonstrates how the vagina and vulva must stretch in the direct of the anus during penetration and vaginal delivery.
vulva.htm
Question: I have been married for three years. I used to masturbate and I want to know whether this will affect my fertility, as I used to have sexual relationship with my then fiance', but so far she has not become pregnant.
Answer: Masturbating to orgasm will not influence your fertility, other than decreasing your sperm count for a couple days afterwards. Your body simply produces a new supply of sperm after each orgasm. Your internal body doesn't know the difference between orgasms caused by masturbation and intercourse; the orgasms and bodily processes are the same for both. If you hadn't masturbated you would likely have experienced nocturnal emissions, your body's way of getting rid of excess sperm and ejaculate. For more information see the Q&A linked to below.
If available, a fertility specialist would be able to evaluate you and your wife.
A urologist can evaluate your fertility, and a gynecologist may be able to evaluate your wife's fertility.Evaluating your fertility is likely easier than doing the same for your wife.
http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/infertility.cfm
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/infertility/DS00310
Question: Okay I've been wanting to female ejaculate. I can do it, but not without the stimulation of my clitoris, and its not exactly always the BEST orgasm that everyone says it is. I know where my G-spot is so no worry over that. Lots of forums, and instructional guides say to NOT stimulate the clitoris. Well I can never seem to orgasm without my clitoris, so how can I actually achieve a female ejaculating orgasm? Tips would be nice.
Answer: Deborah Sundahl, in her book Female Ejaculation & The G-Spot, covers this in much greater detail than I can here, but she believes all women have the ability to experience female ejaculation with and without orgasm occurring. You already know how to ejaculate with orgasm, so perhaps most of the potential barriers to ejaculating without orgasm don't apply.
I realize you may have already tried the following, but here are some suggestions.
This is accomplished by stimulating your vagina and G-Spot, rather than your clitoris. Using your finger(s), a dildo, or other suitable insertable, stimulate your vagina and G-Spot. Dildos shaped like a penis with a prominent head appear to work best, as the junction between the head and shaft can be used to stimulate the G-Spot. Don't try to have an orgasm, only explore vaginal stimulation and sensation. In a relaxing environment, stimulate your vagina for an extended period of time. Don't use a lot of pressure, simply explore and try to awaken your G-Spot through massage. Sit or lay back and basically meditate on your vagina, and the sensations and pleasures produced. You want to remain relaxed and breathing. Perhaps this is something you can get in the habit of during while watching TV or reading a book, or following orgasm, before you fall asleep. Doing it in a distraction free environment may be ideal, but perhaps you need to multitask if you are to do it for an extended period of time and on a frequent basis. Deborah says it can take considerable time and repetition to learn how to ejaculate, perhaps a year or more. Once the urge to ejaculate develops, something you have already experienced, then push out and allow the ejaculate to flow, again something you already have experience doing.
The intensity of your ejaculations may not be strong if you have weak or tense pelvic muscles. If your orgasms are strong, then perhaps you simply need more practice at ejaculating, and to explore multiple orgasms and ejaculation per session, which may require the use of a vibrator. In the article linked to below, in the section headed "The Pelvic Muscles" I describe one way you can test the strength of your pelvic muscles. If your orgasms or pelvic muscles are weak, then you should start doing Kegel exercises on a regular basis.
loc_vag.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kegel_exercise
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/Kegel-exercises/WO00119
You also need to ensure you are adequately hydrated, i.e. drinking plenty of water. Empty your bladder prior to your sessions if you are concerned about potentially urinating rather than ejaculating.
Question: What is the tingly feeling in the pit of your stomach? It feels like it is in my uterus or the pit of my stomach. I don't know which though.
Answer: Your uterus is located behind and slightly above your pubic bone, behind your bladder. Illustrations on the page linked to below show its location.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uterus
Your stomach on the other hand is located above your belly button, as depicted in the illustration linked to below.
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/images/ency/fullsize/8756.jpg
Without knowing the circumstances in which you experience this sensation, I can't guess at a cause. Stress, anxiety, or emotional excitement seem the most likely cause. I don't believe it is a typical sexual response.