Question: It has been two years since I wrote my first question (titled: I can masturbate to orgasm but have never been able to experience orgasm with any of my girlfriends, can you help?). I appreciated your answer. I would like to report good news, but unfortunately I am still at almost the same place. I have a different girlfriend and we have been dating for about a year. While I am now able to bring myself to orgasm while masturbating by touching myself in front of her, I still cannot come when she is touching me. Masturbating in front of her is very uncomfortable for me and usually takes almost 45 mins, compared to about 10 mins when I am alone (I can't come with a vibrator ever). I would like to practice mutual masturbation so I don't feel so much pressure, but she does not feel turned on by touching herself when I am around, she always would rather me do it. The other issue is that during sex she comes very quickly (within a min or two) and therefore I feel that we are unbalanced because 90% of the time will be spent on me to no avail. Another thing is when I am masturbating I have only ever been able to orgasm if I am thinking about situations which involve non-consensual sex but not with me involved, only as an onlooker. I have tried to think about this while I am having sex, but I am usually too distracted to focus enough on the fantasy. Do you have any advice on how I can incorporate my fantasys into my sex life? The fact that I can get off alone and not with her is definitely causing tension, no matter how much we tell ourselves its ok. How have other people overcome their inability to orgasm with partners? Thanks for your advice. I'd appreciate it if you didn't post the answer online, or took out some of the specific details.
Answer: Congratulation on being able to masturbate to orgasm in front of your partner, you are making progress.
While I am not a psychologist or the like, it seems you are possibly sabotaging your sexual experiences with your partners, past and present. You are perhaps projecting your own feelings of inadequacy onto your partner, making your feelings their feelings.
In your two emails you make statements like:
"I could tell after a while her feelings were hurt and she felt inadequate"
"I would be deluding myself to say it doesn't matter at all"
"The fact that this problem has occurred in more than one relationship of mine points to me being the cause"
"How can I allow myself to feel vulnerable to another person"
"I feel that we are unbalanced because 90% of the time will be spent on me to no avail."You then basically prove your presumption of inadequacy by bringing your partners to orgasm rather quickly. It is kind of like you are saying, "See, they come quickly, which proves there is something wrong with me, just as I thought."
It seems to me that you need to work on your self confidence, to break the cycle. The more confident you are, the more likely you will be able to surrender control during sex. There are many resources online that may help you achieve this goal.
http://www.google.com/search?q=improving+self+confidence
I also suggest NOT bringing your partner to orgasm so quickly. Seduce and tease her for an extended period of time, before actually bringing her to orgasm. Try to use the extended sexual experiences to arouse yourself. Give her a full body massage, "make out" with her, but stay away from her clitoris and other primary erogenous zones. Go out on a date, go dancing, and seduce her. Get her highly aroused, then gently suggest she show you how she likes to touch herself when alone. Let her know that if she wants to experience orgasm, it will have to be at her own hands, while you continue to tease her.
Your partner's reluctance to masturbate in front of your only serves to make things worse for you, as it places more pressure on you. You both need to work on your comfort with mutual masturbation. Tell her this, outside the bedroom. How can you feel comfortable masturbating in front of her if she wont do the same for you? Perhaps as a couple you can watch adult videos that feature female masturbation, thus allowing you to feel more comfortable doing so yourselves. Betty Dodson produces videos that feature real female masturbation techniques and orgasms. You may also want to take turns reading the shared masturbation experiences on my website, perhaps while stroking your clitorises, or other erogenous zones. Perhaps your partner simply needs to know that others actually do masturbate, it is perfectly normal. There are also shared mutual masturbation experiences on the website.
While no sexual technique or activity works for every woman, it concerns me when women mention using a vibrator doesn't work for them, as this type of stimulation is usually the most effective available to them.
It is important to understand whether a vibrator doesn't actually work, or whether you don't want it to work. Do you feel they are too mechanical, or fear it would be addictive? You may also be using it incorrectly. Initially, I suggest women use a vibrator over their street cloths, i.e. a pair of jeans and underwear. Allow the vibrations to travel through your clothing to your vulva, don't use pressure. Explore the sensation, not orgasm. You can then explore using the vibrator over a folded hand towel, placed on your bare vulva.
Have you explored using water spray to masturbate with? The shared masturbation experiences contain many examples of women using water spray to masturbate. If you find this works for you, ask your girlfriend to join you.
Perhaps explore outercourse with her.
Without knowing more about your sexual fantasies I can't suggest how you may go about acting them out with your partner. I can only suggest that you find some similar fantasies/stories online, then perhaps read them while masturbating in front of your partner. Perhaps your partner can read the stories to you. You can also write down your fantasies, and share them with your partner. You may also want to find videos, adult or mainstream, with a theme that sexually arouses you. There are resources available online that may help you act out your fantasies.
http://www.google.com/search?q=acting+out+your+sexual+fantasies
Since in your fantasies you are watching others engage in sex, it may be impossible to act out your fantasies without a third person joining you, which probably isn't a possibility. You may have to take charge of the sexual situation and command your girlfriend perform certain sexual activities, like masturbating, posing nude, etc. She can play the reluctant or forced partner. You can dress the part of a controlling personality, her a submissive personality. Being in charge may also help with your self confidence. With time, perhaps you can command her to perform sexual acts on you.
There are support groups available for those interested in dominance and submission play.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=dominance+submission+support+groups+bdsm
Question: Anatomy question. Is there a name for the; lack of a better word, the Hallow or Crevase between a Woman's Vulva and her Thigh?
Answer: I believe it is called the "inguinal crease."
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=inguinal+crease
Question: I have a terrible problem-
Whenever I masturbate, regardless of whether I'm using a dildo, vibrator or my hand, I can only orgasm whilst lying on my belly.
I have to constantly fake orgasms during sex, and cannot even climax when my boyfriend gives me amazing oral sex.
We've tried a variety of positions for sex, but I cannot even come close to orgasm in a single one.
My boyfriend is not aware of my "problem".
I feel quite depressed as I would really like to share his pleasure when I'm together with him (I rarely see him as he lives quite far from me)
I am 18- I do not own a credit card, so hopefully you can offer some advice without me having to purchase VCDs or books.I'm really sorry if I sounded rude, but I would love to buy it if I owned a credit card..
Someone else asked a similar question here, and you directed her to "celebrating orgasms" which had to be purchased.Answer: Please see the Q&A linked to below, as it contains additional information on the subject, though it does refer to a second video.
qa_39.htm#6While there are many file sharing websites featuring adult videos available, I'm not sure they provide a benefit to those who want to see real or average sex. That is, are they acting or engaging in real sex, and are the women having genuine orgasms or faking it? Those acting and putting on a show can certainly mislead you in regard to what is quote unquote normal. The featured women may be exhibitionists, meaning they are aroused by the idea of being watched, which influences their enjoyment of the activities shown, and the overall experience; the mental aspect can be of greater significance than the physical. "Real sex" can be much less entertaining to watch, which decreases its popularity, even though this is truly what young adults need to have access to.
Some of the "leaked" videos featuring famous or infamous female celebrities engaging in partnered sex, those videos never intended for public viewing, do show real sex, and as such, based on the standards of Hollywood, aren't exactly Academy Award winning performances. Despite their fame, one could argue some of their partners weren't skilled at pleasing women, at least in the scenes shown, being famous for having large breasts doesn't automatically mean they play a part in all your sexual experiences, and even public exhibitionist can be very self conscious in the bedroom.
Question: I want to know first why I would rather perform oral sex on my wife than penetration?? Second Question is why does she like me to lick her urethral opening so much??
Answer: There are physical as well as psychological reasons for why you may prefer performing cunnilingus to vaginal intercourse.
Possible physical reasons are that your penis may not be sensitive to this form of stimulation, perhaps because you provide more pressure with your hand during masturbation than is possible from her vaginal and pelvic muscles, especially if her vagina is well lubricated. If your penis is insensitive, some claim circumcision results in reduced sensitivity, there isn't anything you can do to change this. If you are accustomed to greater frictional stimulation while masturbating (your hands may be rougher than her vaginal walls, which may cause the skin of your penis to be thicker and rougher), you might explore using less pressure, even if it doesn't result in ejaculation; see how long you can prolong the pleasure and maintain an erection. With time you may find you are able to ejaculate using less intense stimulation, as your penis may become more sensitive. Some male masturbation aids (a pocket pussy) may provide a means of exploring less intense forms of stimulation during masturbation.
Psychologically there is the possibility for greater performance pressures and the resulting performance anxiety. During intercourse you may feel pressure to maintain your erection while not ejaculating too quickly, on top of the physical demands of the activity itself. During intercourse you may not be able to surrender control and simply go for it, unlike during masturbation. During cunnilingus you are in much greater control of the situation, with less physical demands on yourself. You may also simply receive pleasure from giving pleasure to your wife; she enjoys it so you enjoy it. If you are the controlling type, cunnilingus may allow you greater control, as she must surrender control and her body to you, if she is to experience orgasm.
I have also read one reference that said men are sexually aroused by the scent of a woman's vulva, so pheromones may influence your response and pleasure.
I mention on the website that women sometimes find their urethral meatus (opening) very sensitive to stimulation, and have at times mistaken it for their clitoris, which may be small and hidden with its hood. The female prostate gland may also be located here, and cause the urethral meatus to bulge outward. As in men, the prostate gland in women can be very sensitive, and is often referred to as the G-Spot.
Question: There is so much yes and no about female ejaclution. I know when I was nine months pregnant it was a given that I would 'pee' on my husband during sex. But now when we have sex - well, I know the difference between my vagina getting wet and the fluid that I leak when he is inside of me. Respectfully, the first is smooth and creamy; while the second during intercourse is thin. I think about the difference as a furniture polish and a glass cleaner. If that makes sense! One feels normal and the other feels thin. Any help is appreciated! By the way, he doesn't make a big deal about it - and we have a great sex life. Just wondering???
Answer: There is much that is unknown about the subjects of female ejaculation and incontinence. We really don't know what is normal and abnormal, as we know relatively little about the subjects.
My website presents the sexual view point, the first link, and a medical article I came across yesterday looks at the sexual and medical implications of incontinence, the second link.
ejacula.htm
http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/cgi-bin/fulltext/121480559/PDFSTART
There are online medical dictionaries that may help you fully understand the medical article, or you can ask your doctor to read and translate it for you. Even without an understanding of medical terminology you can get a feel for what is said in the article.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=medical+dictionary
My article presents some medical research findings that would tend to indicate, the release of fluid through the urethra during sex isn't an automatic indication of incontinence.
ejacula.htm#medical
The first medical article I linked to above may provide you with the necessary knowledge and means of bringing your concerns to the attention of your doctor. You can take a copy of the article to your doctor and relate your experience, verbally or in writing, and request evaluation for possible incontinence.
If you are experiencing incontinence, then as the medical article points out, Kegel exercises may provide a solution.
http://www.google.com/search?q=kegel+exercises
I hope this information is of help.
Question: My dilemma is this. I am primarily a clit woman; I prefer stimulation of the clitoris and vulva above everything else. I've received oral sex before, and it turns me on and gives me pleasure like nothing else I've experienced so far. However, though my current boyfriend has no problem using his hands to provide stimulation, he has issues with giving oral sex to the point that he simply will not do it. We've tried it once (and note, this was his first time ever), and he later said that the taste and smell caused him to gag. As it is a new experience, I am not wholly surprised. However, as far as I can tell I am healthy, and since my last boyfriend had no problem with oral, I don't think there's anything seriously wrong with the area itself.
I must ask, what can be done? It's entirely possible (and probably true) that he's a little afraid of the concept, and it is very unfamiliar. Can oral and the vagina in general be an acquired taste? Should we edge towards trying it again? I've heard dental dams can be helpful, though it does take away from the sensations quite a bit. Is there anything else we could try that could result in the same pleasure I'm seeking that would also be okay for him? Any random suggestions at all would be appreciated, even if they have nothing to do with oral. If the boyfriend can't be turned to it, or even if it just takes a long time for him to become ready for it, we'd like to find out other ways to achieve the elusive female orgasm.Answer: You are not the first to have this experience, please see the Q&A linked to below:
qa_31.htm#8
The only other suggestion I might add is, try using a flavored sexual lubricant, in an attempt to mask your natural scent and taste, assuming you haven't acquired a vulvar/vaginal infection since your prior sexual partner. Are you familiar with your scent and taste, do you like them, and have they changed over time?
The website linked to below recommends using Vick's Vapor Rub to mask the scent of changing soiled diapers, but you would want to ensure this doesn't come in contact with your vulva, as it may cause an unpleasant sensation.
http://www.dadsadventure.com/dadsblog/?tag=diapers
I don't know if it is possible to learn to like the scent and taste of a woman's vulva. It seems likely that he would be exposed to your scent during manual stimulation of your vulva, and could smell his fingers after doing so, to see if the scent is offensive to him, or if it is the idea of placing his mouth against your vulva that causes the negative response. Just knowing "where" the scent originated may cause a reaction, and it would perhaps be difficult for you to conduct a blindfolded taste and scent test. Perhaps he needs to become accustomed to the scent first, then perhaps the taste, by smelling and eventually tasting his or your fingers after they have come in contact with your vulva and vagina. He has to be willing to do so. Now, people become accustomed to unpleasant scents as they apply to farm jobs and
changing a baby's diapers, but I don't know if the same applies to oral sex and human scents.
My website provides insight into different sexual techniques that you may find as enjoyable as oral stimulation, stimulation by water spray is perhaps the closest facsimile to oral stimulation. There are many different ways to stimulate the body, as mentioned in the article linked to below:
nerves_3.htm
You already engage in manual stimulation, beyond that there is mutual masturbation, outercourse, intercourse, and anal stimulation.
mut_mast.htm
Question: I really like to Masturbate. It is a fun thing for me to do when I am alone. But after I have an Orgasm, I feel really weird and dirty. I need help with this! Please Reply!
Answer: I can only suggest reading through all the shared masturbation experiences and techniques, which may help you to realize your peers are doing the same, and sometimes feel guilty too. Feeling less alone with your experiences and feelings may help you feel better. The support of your peers may help resolve the guilt.
Question: My question is, is it a problem if my penis skin get swelled after masturbation?
Answer: I'm not a doctor so I cannot provide a medical diagnosis, only general information.
The swelling would tend to indicate some form of irritation is occurring. Either you aren't using sufficient lubrication, or an appropriate lubricant. If you are uncircumcised, perhaps your foreskin fits too tightly, and the back and forth movement, and possible stretching, results in tiny tears and cuts to the foreskin, causing irritation. If you are using saliva as a lubricant, it is possible for it to irritate your penis too.
Here is information on possible lubricants:qa_7/qa7_4.htm
Here information on stretching your foreskin:http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_do_you_stretch_your_foreskin
Question: Here's my problem in a nutshell: When I masturbate, I'll get past a certain point, and just completely loose all arousal, for no apparent reason. I know I'm not having an orgasm, and everything I've done up to that point feels fine. I've tried all sorts of things, all with the same result. Is it possible that there's something wrong? Any help would be appreciated!
Answer: You are not the first to share this experience, but I don't have advise that applies specifically to it. The cause is possibly a fear of the unknown, an inability to surrender control, and/or guilt over masturbation. Unless you are on some form of medication, the problem is then likely psychological in nature. I can only suggest that you read through the information on my website, and give the advise a try.
qa_index_arousal.htmtips.htm
anorgasmia.htm
Reading through the shared masturbation experiences and techniques may provide useful advise, and gain the support of your peers, reducing possible guilt.
mast_indx.htm
Many women have trouble maintaining a sexual mental focus during their sexual activities, and the shared sexual fantasies may help your maintain your arousal. You may be relying too much on physical stimulation, or thinking too much, and need to get your brain sexually aroused.
fant_indx.htm
Getting a vibrator or electric toothbrush may provide a easy solution, as may using water spray in the tub or shower.
Question: I am 15 and I usually masturbate with an electric toothbrush. I usually don't get very far using hands alone. I use the toothbrush to massage my clit, which is really intense. But whenever I feel I'm getting close to orgasm, I start twitching and jerking and have to stop. I've tried relaxing and letting go to see what happens, and I usually end up peeing a little. I know this is pee not female ejaculation. Help?
Answer: As the word searches of the website linked to below indicate, your twitching and shaking probably are to be expected, and aren't abnormal. Seems you are perhaps afraid of surrendering control, fearful of the unknown, of losing control over your body. You need to take the plunge.
http://www.sitelevel.com/query_v2.go?crid=3b3c5ef129c27b23&query=twitching%20&slice_title=&page=1
http://www.sitelevel.com/query_v2.go?crid=3b3c5ef129c27b23&query=shaking&slice_title=&page=1
As far as urinating, since you probably aren't old enough to be incontinent, it is likely normal too. While not spoken of, it appears to come with the territory of female sexuality. Please see the articles linked to below to learn more about this. Even if you are urinating, you aren't causing harm by doing so.
anorgasmia.htm
ejacula.htm
Here is some general advice on learning how to experience orgasm.
http://www.the-clitoris.com/f_html/tips.htm