Question: Is it possible to damage the vulva by pressing hard on it during masturbation?
Answer: I don't know for sure, but is seems possible, if you are applying more force than the body is designed to endure. Repetitive motion injuries are an example of doing something that doesn't cause immediate harm, but rather causes harm with repetition over time. If you are using a lot of force you could in "theory" be crushing nerve and blood vessel fibers causing micro injuries, which could accumulate over time, resulting in decreased blood flow and sensation in the vulva.
Even if it isn't harmful in this way, this masturbation technique would be difficult to reproduce during partnered sex, at least during most common partnered sexual activities, excluding perhaps outercourse. It isn't a technique your partner is likely to utilize, simply out of fear of causing harm. So it would be a bad habit to be in, if you are or become accustomed to it.
I suggest trying to discover why you must employ such force. Are you masturbating incorrectly or are you insensitive to the types of stimulation you are utilizing? Masturbation usually relies on frictional stimulation, and your body is usually more sensitive to it than pressure. Do you require the pressure to create the friction, or are you relying on pressure to cause the stimulation?
Are you insensitive to frictional stimulation or overly sensitive? Are you applying the frictional stimulation to the wrong area? Do you have a hidden clitoris, or clitoral adhesions? Is your clitoris extremely sensitive to frictional stimulation, thus you are relying on pressure? Have you found your clitoris? Do you need to explore other erogenous zones?
While not easy, you probably should explore other methods of masturbation. You may need to explore pleasure, and if overly sensitive, relaxation, rather than focus on achieving orgasm. Perhaps you should explore using water spray and/or vibratory stimulation.
The information linked to below may be of help in discovering new masturbation techniques.
Question: I'm a married man, why have I been unsuccessful at vaginal intercourse?
I am 29 married, failed to attempt a successful intercourse. What I feel, I've sufficient erection it gets hard enough even though I can't penetrate and I lose my erection. What should I do, please advice.
Answer: Do you lose your erection prior to attempting intercourse, or you can't penetrate her vagina because the way is blocked, which causes you to lose your erection?
The first situation is called "situational impotence."
http://www.google.com/search?q=situational+impotence
The second situation may be caused if your wife experiences vaginismus.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=vaginismus
Question: Just wondering if it is possible to experience female ejaculation without an actual orgasm.
I can reach orgasm all of the time using my vibrator on my clitoris, but cannot get to orgasm with my partner. Recently however, I ejaculated on two separate occasions. Once during intercourse and once when he was giving me oral pleasure. Both experiences were great and I felt myself "releasing", but it felt very different from the orgasms I typically have using my vibrator. There wasn't the rise and fall feeling if you know what I mean.
PS I'm positive that it was female ejaculation and not urine that came out of me.
Answer: Yes, many women experience female ejaculation in the absence of orgasm.
Here are Q&As that address this topic.
A survey on the website indicates 38-41% of women are sure they experience female ejaculation during sexual arousal, prior to orgasm, at varying degrees of frequency.
Question: How do I address my intense desire for sex and orgasm?
My boyfriend always makes me orgasm via foreplay and sometimes during intercourse, but I still come away from sex horny and wanting more. We have tried to prolong sex and to engage in 'foreplay' before and after, but it never sates me. Is this normal? My boyfriend is worried he is not satisfying me even though I have multiple orgasms. Is there anything I can do to stop this?
Answer: As far as I know it is perfectly normal, and nothing can be done to change it, short of taking medication that may have permanent and unpredictable results. I have known several women who were just warming up after 2-3 hours of sex and multiple orgasms, while I was down for the count. Other women have written to say they were insatiable too. It is one reason why women sometimes have more than one sexual partner at a given time, or engage in group sex.
I can only suggest getting a good quality electric vibrator, like the Hitachi Magic Wand, and once your partner has done as much as they can, take matters into your own hands. You can also take turns using the vibrator to bring you to orgasm. If you enjoy penetration, get a dildo that fulfills your fancy. Your boyfriend may enjoy watching you please yourself even if he has had enough, or simply isn't in the mood.
I would reassure your boyfriend that you aren't the only girl to wear her man out, and it is ok for him to stop once he has had enough. He may also need to learn how to please you in ways where the sex doesn't revolved around his penis, if his penis is used at all, because the rest of his body likely has greater stamina than his penis alone. Perhaps he simply needs to hold you while you fulfill your own sexual needs. He should be reassured that he shouldn't feel guilty if you are off masturbating by yourself. Men may needlessly develop performance anxiety if they aren't personally able to fulfill their partner's sexual needs single-handedly.
Couples in general likely need more non-sexual physical intimacy in their relationship. An imbalance of sexual desire may have greater influence on a relationship if every episode of physical contact results in sex, especially if one partner is left feeling unfulfilled while the other is feeling inadequate. Couples may need to schedule cuddle time, time when you cuddle while watching a movie together, bathing or showering together, or simply spooning at bedtime. (I'm aware of situations where people are seeking nonsexual intimacy outside their primary relationships. Massage and spa treatments may also serve this purpose, fulfilling a person's need for personal touch.)
Question: I cannot experience orgasm during masturbation and partnered sex, can you provide some advise?
Hi, I was just looking at your website and I believe it is extremely useful. I have a few questions though. My boyfriend and I became sexually active about 3 or 4 months ago but I can't seem to orgasm. It is becoming extremely frustrating for both myself and him. I have tried to masturbate on my own but I just don't feel anything. I was looking at the area of outercourse and it is something I have done all my life - I have never orgasmed from it but it has always been pleasurable. I don't know when I started it but it has always been a part of my life. It said, that those who do it find it harder to orgasm? Will I not orgasm because of it? I can arouse myself with fantasies etc. but when I start to masturbate I just can't stay aroused, I feel really exposed and can't keep a thought in my head to keep me turned on and so I feel nothing.
I don't know what to do because now when we have sex I'm less and less aroused because I never enjoy anything. So I can't become as wet as I used to and its starting to hurt. If you could help me I would really appreciate it.
Answer: The short answer to your question is to seek out different forms of mental stimulation, perhaps erotic videos or stories you find online, while masturbating, and perhaps during partnered sex. Your mind should be focused on what you are seeing or reading, not what you are doing with your body. Perhaps your own fantasies are simply too boring to keep you focused on sex. During solo outercourse your hips should be moving of their own accord, not because you are telling them to. Your motivation should be the pleasure produced by the movement of your body, not thoughts of moving your hips.
If you are feeling exposed, then you have to address this issue, by creating a more secure environment. Perhaps you need to lock yourself in the bathroom, turn off the lights, and jump in the shower. Perhaps you need to masturbate when home alone, or if you have a car, drive it to some isolated area where no one can see you. You can also climb under the covers while fully dressed and rub your vulva against a pillow, stuffed animal, or your hand(s).
I strongly recommend you stop engaging in partnered sex and/or intercourse if is boring or causes you pain, as it will only continue to get worse, especially if you continue to do the wrong thing over and over again. Sex doesn't get better with practice if you continually do it wrong. If you cannot masturbate to orgasm, you probably aren't mentally and physically prepared for partnered sex, sorry to say.
What follows is a letter I recently sent to a woman who is able to masturbate to orgasm while engaged in outercourse, but not at other times. This long winded answer may provide some guidance for you.
Question: I can experience orgasm during masturbation but have been faking it during partnered sex with my current and past partners, can you help?
I have been reading your website, and have found many situations similar to mine, and some useful advice, but still not quite what I am looking for.
I am a 23 year old college student, have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, and am pretty sure that he is the one I am going to marry. We are currently in a long-distance relationship, and must endure going for almost an entire year without seeing each other. We are currently about 3.5 months into our separation.
I have memories of masturbating, laying on my stomach with a pillow or stuffed animal between my legs, since I was a very little girl. During my senior year in high school, I began doing this same technique, but with a small, penis-shaped hair brush handle inserted in my vagina, with the pillow pressed up against me. These days I use a slim G-spot vibrator, sometimes turned on and sometimes not. I can usually reach orgasm very quickly, less than 30 sec.
I have tried many different techniques: fingering myself, laying on my back with the pillow between my legs, straddling the pillow, in the shower, in the bath... you name it. Nothing works, except the very specific position of lying on my stomach, dildo inserted, pillow between my legs, and both hands grabbing the pillow and pushing it up against myself.
I have had 4 sexual partners: my high school boyfriend, two one night stands, and my current boyfriend of 2.5 years. I have never orgasmed with any of them. I think I have gotten close with my current boyfriend, when I am on top, leaning back, and he is fingering my clit at the same time.... but I still can't quite get there. His manual and oral feel amazing... but still don't do the job. When he manually stimulates me, it becomes too much and I have to tell him to stop. When I manually stimulate myself, I don't feel much at all.
But here's the kicker: I am a big fat FAKER! And I hate it. I faked it the first time we had sex, and then the next time, and the next time, and the rest is history. I absolutely love having sex with him, and not having an orgasm is not a big deal to me... but just like everyone else says, it is important to him, and he would be devastated if he knew that I have been faking it for 2.5 years. We are very honest with each other and have a great relationship... except for this one thing, and I am so afraid that if I told him it could ruin everything and he would not trust me anymore.
I got it in my head that if I could just learn to orgasm by myself, without my stupid pillow, then I could learn to orgasm with him. I am convinced that the pressure of the pillow against my clit/vulva is what I am dependent on. Once I am having real orgasms, then faking wont be an issue, and I wouldn't need to divulge my little secret to him about the past.
On a side note, he has shown interest in watching me masturbate, but I have refused because I think the way I do it is not sexy, and he can't really learn any technique from it anyway, because I am just lying on my stomach humping a dildo/pillow.
So my questions are: how can I re-train myself to orgasm in a different position, and will I be able to translate this to being able to orgasm with him? If this works, will we be ok if I do not tell him about my past of faking it? If it doesn't work and I still can't orgasm with him, should I tell him? The one thing I know is that I do not want to fake it anymore. Whether that means having a real one, or just having sex without one at all and that being ok too. I have about 7 months left of flying solo until we are reunited, and would really like to get this figured out during that time.
Thanks so much for your help!
Answer: I am not sure that I can provide additional incite, beyond what is already available on the website, but perhaps if I put the pieces of the puzzle together it may help you. First the long answer, the short answer is provided at the end.
Similar experiences are explored in the articles linked to below:
You are perhaps having what I call "tension orgasms" rather than "arousal orgasms." It is unlikely you experience significant sexual arousal within a time span of 30 seconds. You can read more about this in the article linked to below.
I wonder if you and your partner have actually located your clitoris. Have you used a mirror to examine your vulva, and have you located your clitoral glans? Have you masturbated while using a mirror to ensure you are stimulating your clitoris, specifically the glans? Many women are unfamiliar with their anatomy. Locating your clitoris is addressed in the articles linked to below.
You probably need to explore sexual pleasure and arousal, not just orgasm. You indicate stimulating your clitoris isn't pleasurable, which means you aren't actually stimulating it, are stimulating it incorrectly, or expect immediate pleasure. A good series of exercises is presented in the article linked to below. You may need to explore stimulating your clitoris for longer periods of time, using a clock to time yourself, and stimulate it for 5 to 20 minutes, even if at first you feel nothing.
This article addresses "perception of arousal" but the described activity may help you explore sexual arousal.
While part of this article is linked to above, the entire article addresses different ways of stimulating your body.
Your comments indicate you have a sensitive G-Spot, and familiarizing yourself with it and ways of stimulating it may be of benefit. If you are experiencing orgasm quickly you may not have explored your vagina and ways of stimulating it, especially with your fingers, or perhaps a penis sized object.
During intercourse when you feel as though you may experience orgasm there is a chance you may be fearful of surrendering control, especially if the sensations are similar to those you experience prior to or during urination. The article linked to below addresses a large range of subjects, and the information about anatomy and surrendering control may be of most benefit to you.
You mention having a vibrator, but not whether you have used it to stimulate your clitoris. Vibrators aren't all created equal. I recommend either the battery operated Pocket Rocket or the electric Hitachi Magic Wand to first time buyers for clitoral stimulation. Different versions of the Pocket Rocket are available in our store starting at $9. The Hitachi Magic Wand is more expensive at $45.95, but will last 10 or more years. (I'm not trying to sell you stuff, just let you know what is available.)
http://www.enchantedvenus.com/catalog/index.php?cPath=21_38
It sounds like you are using the G-Spot vibe more to fill your vagina than for frictional or vibratory stimulation, if it remains relatively motionless during use. If your rubbing against the pillow moves the vibrator about inside your vagina then you are likely stimulating your G-Spot. Using something of a larger diameter may provide more stimulation, or a dildo with a pronounced head, like your small G-Spot vibe likely has. You can use the ridge created by the enlarged end to stimulate your G-Spot. You may need to use the vibe, while turned off, to explore your G-Spot, once again exploring for 15 to 20 minutes, without expecting instantaneous pleasure.
In Betty Dodson's DVD titled "The Orgasm Doctor" she presents a scenario similar to your experience; the woman masturbates while laying on her stomach but wants to broaden her orgasmic repertoire. Here is some of the suggestions she makes.
Watching these exercises will convey much more information than I can provide here. The DVD is available in our store.
- Examine your vulva with a mirror, locate your clitoris and it's glans.
- Explore stimulating your clitoris with different strokes, for at least 5 minutes per technique, while observing your vulva in the mirror.
- Practice masturbating while laying on your back, ensuring you take in full deep breaths; your stomach should rise
- Practice doing pelvic tilts while doing the above, tilt your hips up, then back down.
- Contract your pelvic muscles, Kegel contractions, when your tilt your pelvis up.
- Remember to breath in and out.
- Insert a vaginal barbell, which weigh about 1 lb, or a heavy glass or stainless steel dildo, to contract against, and simply to fill the vagina.
- Incorporate clitoral stimulation while doing the above, while using plenty of lubricant, a massage oil will work nicely.
- Use the barbell to stimulate vagina, while continuing to stimulate the clitoris, and the other activities (it all becomes easier with practice.)
- Try one or more types of vibrators for clitoral stimulation while doing the above
- These exercises should last at least 15-20
- If something doesn't feel pleasurable, or ceases being pleasurable, then try something new.
http://www.enchantedvenus.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=1382
On the subject of faking it, the following Q&As may help.
If nothing else, incorporating Outercourse into your sexual repertoire may increase your chances of experiencing orgasm during partnered sex.
About the only subject I haven't directly addressed is mental stimulation, to help you become aroused, and maintain your arousal during sex, alone and with a partner.
qa_26.htm#1 in "Answer: Part 2"
The information for preorgasmic women will help you understand your body better, and all the different factors that play a role in sexual arousal and orgasm.
The short answer is to get a good strong clitoral vibrator like the Hitachi Magic Wand or Pocket Rocket, leaving all your cloths on initially, and give it a try. If you don't experience pleasure immediately then experiment, and use erotica to get yourself started, and to help keep you focused. Allow the vibrations to provide the stimulation, rather than pressure.
Question: I tried to masturbate for the first time and it was painful, can you explain why?
Okay, this is kind of hard for me to ask, because I've never told anyone this. Okay so, I'm 15 and like 3 weeks ago I tried masturbating but every time I do, it just hurts and I don't know why. So I completely stopped doing it. Am I doing it wrong or something? Should I not do it? And well, basically, why does it hurt?
Answer: Without knowing more about how you attempted to masturbate, I cannot guess at a cause, other than to say you were doing it wrong if it caused pain. Perhaps you were trying to insert objects into your vagina, when you should have been stimulating your clitoris.
I can only suggest that you read through the shared masturbation experiences to see how others learned to masturbate.
Question: Help, I need advise about Girl-On-Top sexual positions and intercourse.
I didn't know where else to ask this question so here it goes.
I'm new to sex and I want to explore being on top of my boyfriend when we have have sex but I'm not sure how to do it. Theoretically I know how and I know that my body can do the motions but every time I try I just feel like I'm a bumbling idiot or like I'm missing something. I've read from countless sites that it's supposed to be good and/or amazing but every time I try it doesn't seem to work out.
Is there a site that gives detailed descriptions on how to do it...something that's more than just "rock your hips" or something like that? Or, is there a way I could somehow practice without my boyfriend here (like a toy or something that I could use?) so that the next time I won't feel so dumb?
I'm just really frustrated and feel like I'm the only woman who has this problem...
Answer: I'm afraid, especially as a guy, I'm not sure how to answer your question. As a guy, you tend to fumble your way through it, hopefully keeping in mind the fact that they usually edit all the bloopers out of adult videos.
Part of your problem may be that you are using adult videos as a guide, rather than doing what feels pleasurable for you.
Get on top, insert his penis, relax, and think about what will feel good to you. If you don't know, experiment. You don't actually need to move your hips, just contract your pelvic muscles, do Kegel contractions, which is a good starting point, as it will hopefully allow you to focus your thoughts on your vagina. Reach down with your hand and caress your clitoris, have some fun, while relatively motionless. If you are enjoying yourself, so will your partner. Don't concern yourself with whether he will maintain his erection or ejaculate, just have some selfish fun. If you do move your hips, go very slow and explore how it feels to you. You might try rubbing your clitoris against his body, and adjusting your body position accordingly. If you can't touch your clitoris to his body, then imagine rubbing your clitoris against his body in a manner that would feel good to you; practice dry humping or outercourse in advance. It may feel better if you face his feet, the Reverse Cowgirl Position, as this may stimulate the front wall of your vagina, the location of your G-Spot, if facing forward doesn't. If what you are doing doesn't feel pleasurable to you, you wont really have any guidance about what the correct technique is, if you only go through the motions to please him. In this case, perhaps other positions will work better. You can also be in control in the doggy position, after asking him to remain motionless while you rock back and forth, and this position may be more enjoyable for you than being on top, especially if you like G-Spot stimulation and/or deep penetration.
You can also ask your partner if what you are doing feels good to them, but don't take it wrong if they say no. What feels good to you may not feel good to them, and they may need to be in control to experience their own pleasure, and not necessarily at the same time. The reason this is a possibility is, it may be difficult or impossible to have the sensitive areas of his penis rub against the sensitive areas of your vagina at the same time during intercourse.
You might look for some regular nonsexual exercises involving pelvic rocking (YouTube Video) and tilting, to gain better control over your motions, and increase your flexibility, as you may be too tense and inflexible, muscle wise. Yoga exercises or the like might benefit you.
They sell a large selection of dildos that have a suction cup base that you can attach to a hard surface, like a table, chair, counter, etc, which may help you practice.
I have seen a couple short amateur videos online showing women being on top, so you might visit these free adult video sharing websites to see what other women are doing. Try to find those that feature those who look like the couple next door, not professional porn stars. These videos may provide you with a visual guide.
Question: What are these skin tags located between my urethra and clitoris called?
First I want to thank you for your site and the wonderful information it provides. While carefully investigating my own genitalia I noticed that I have some structures that I cannot find identified on any pictures or diagrams of vulva that I have seen. Basically in the area between my glans clitoris and my urethral opening there are two vertical rows of very small ridges which resemble the teeth on a serrated knife. They are extensions of the flesh (like skin tags)and certainly look like they are meant to be there. I was very curious to learn what exactly they were (as I am quite interested in anatomy) but have been disappointed not to find any information regarding their existence. Could you please help me find out what they are? Thank you.
Answer: Skin tags in this area are normal and common, but I don't believe they have any specific purpose, as all women don't have them. They appear to be left over from the development of the vulva and vagina during fetal development, perhaps becoming more prominent during puberty, as a result of increased estrogen levels. In some cases the tissue is the remnants of the hymen. I briefly address the subject in the article linked to below, in the paragraph titled "Revealing the Hidden Passage," and the images in the article.
It is also possible these could part of your prostate gland. In the past, when some of the glands of the prostate opened into the vulva they were called Skene glands, or minor vestibule glands.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skene%27s_gland
Question: What is the Kivin method or Tahitian oral-sex technique?
Answer: I found some old online references to this technique, but the websites where it was originally featured appear to have shut down. I don't know if this technique works on a lot of women, but you can certainly give it a try.
"Maybe, but if you exercise a little more discipline, we'll be humming along like a five-piece band in no time. Britton is an expert in the much-ballyhooed oral-sex technique called the Kivin method, which took more than 30 years to research. She told us how to do it:
Have her lie down on her back while you perch beside her, with your body perpendicular to hers. Place two fingers on either side of the hood of her clitoris and slowly run your tongue back and forth, and over and under the hood. "Many men go straight for the naked head of the clitoris, but that's a mistake," says Britton. Approaching her from a right angle, rather than from between her legs, helps you get at her clitoral hood most effectively.
Slowly increase your speed. "By keeping your stroke unchanged, you allow her to let go mentally," Britton explains. "Her mind doesn't have to play catch-up with lots of tongue and finger movements."
Add in a finger from your free hand and press on the spot of skin below her vagina. As you feel her nearing orgasm, transfer your tongue to the head of her clitoris."
The above quote is from the website linked to below. The website they provide a link to no longer exists.
http://www.menshealthsa.co.za/index.php?cat=1211&art_id=608
I believe it really comes down to experimention to discover what works best for your partner. Reading what works for others should only stimulate your imagination, not control your expectations. There is no single sexual secret that works for all women, or men.