Question Part 1: I'm feeling alone and very scared.
I recently stumbled upon your website and have found it extremely helpful; I only wish I had come across it when I went exploring in my teens!
I'm very concerned about my clitoris, and have been for the last few years. Evidently, I don't have a clitoral hood, and only recently became aware of the fact that clitoral hoods are the 'norm', thinking all along that I was just like every other woman down there. Well, while masturbating I was therefore applying direct pressure onto my clitoris, as it is continually exposed, and a few years ago I created a slight tear between the actual clitoral glans (or what I believe to be the glans) and the labia minora which attach to it. Since then, I have become sexually involved with my boyfriend, and this tear has grown considerably, despite using plenty of lube and being gentle with the area. I have been to a few doctors, all of whom just say the same: it's normal, use more lube! But I don't think they really see the problem here, as maybe they assume it is simply the hood that is been torn slightly, and therefore not incurring any serious damage. In addition, it is becoming extremely sensitive, and I have had a very difficult time reaching orgasm - it may seem bizarre, but the only times I reach orgasm are those that actually cause further damage to this area, as if it is the literal cutting of the nerves which creates the orgasm (this may also be why it occurs in such a sudden burst, as opposed to the gradual building up that it used to be). So I guess my question is what can I do? The doctors think I'm crazy, as does my boyfriend as he simply sees nothing wrong with it even though he saw it at the very beginning, as a slight nick, and it is visibly more pronounced (my labia minora are completely separated at the top now, as two little flaps, and there is a bulbous area that has been exposed that I suppose was part of the frenum?? I'm not exactly sure. Also, the area surrounding the clitoris has changed - there are more brown 'folds' resembling the skin of the labia minora instead of the pinkish, smooth area it used to be). I am so scared that I have been permanently damaged and that the only way for me to orgasm through clitoral stimulation is through actually causing more physical damage! Please help, as this is affecting my emotional well-being - it is literally all I can think about - as well as our sexual relationship. I also have pictures if you wish to see them.
I appreciate your guidance. I just hope that no one else has to go through this experience the way I have, with no one to discuss it with; I can't find anything on the internet or in medical literature.
Answer Part 1: The Q&A linked to below may address the sensitivity you mention, in her email #3.
qa_2/qa2_18.htm
The following Q&A addresses an absence of a clitoral hood.
qa_3/qa3_4.htmQuestion Part 2: Thank you for sending these links; I did come across the clitoral hood one the other day, so it's good to know I'm not the only one and it's not some sort of malformation! And the other link is helpful also, although I'm in my early twenties but I'm sure the treatments would be fairly similar.
I'm attaching the pictures of the 'tear', and from this maybe you can also tell that there is no extra skin 'covering' the clitoris.
In the frontal picture, the arrow points to the area which used to be connected to each other, but now is a gap between the clitoris and the labia minora - the pink area exposed is the cut surface, which was never exposed before. In the side picture, the area which is parallel to the black line I've drawn is the cut, which was never separated before. These two parts were completely fused together.
I should also mention that I've asked a cosmetic surgeon about this (since no other doctors can explain it and I thought it might do my mind some good if it were at least joined together again and had its old appearance) and he does not see anything wrong with the pictures - maybe he assumes that the pink bulbous part is the actual clitoris and that it always looked this way? It's hard to explain it to someone if they've never seen it before and it doesn't look like the typical pictures of vulvas because it never had a hood to begin with and was never a discernible 'glans', just a sort of v shape at the top there.
Anyways, I've also calmed myself down quite a bit by telling myself that at least I still have sensation down there, so I haven't completely severed the nerves or anything, and that when these 'cuts' were getting deeper, there wasn't any blood gushing out, just maybe a mild throbbing pain the next day, so there's hope that I can still orgasm! So for now, I'm just kind of letting it go, still avoiding touching the area too much, but not breaking down every time I think about it.
Sorry for the long email, but thanks for reading and for sending the links!
Below is a Closeup of the Area of Interest
Below is a Closeup of the Area of Interest
Answer Part 2: Well, I'm not a doctor, but here is my personal opinion of what I see in the photos that you sent.
I have attached four labeled images.
You appear to have a normal though short clitoral hood with a vertical division or groove down the center. There isn't what they call a lot of redundant tissue that conceals your clitoral glans. Overall your hood isn't short, but also isn't well developed, as in thick, large, and extending well past your clitoral glans. It is tiny compared to some women, but not absent all together.
When you aren't spreading your labia your clitoral glans in likely fully concealed by the surrounding tissues.
It is possible there is some edema, i.e. swelling, affecting your hood on either side of the vertical division in your hood, as indicated in image #3.
Based on the color of the tissues of your vulva in general I don't see evidence of a hormonal deficiency. Everything is an appropriate shade of pink.
The redness of the tissue at the junction of your inner and outer labia on your left side could be normal, indication of sexual arousal, or indication of irritation, perhaps frictional.
There is a healing injury to your right labia minora at its junction with your clitoral hood, i.e. the frenum, as indicated by the yellowish discoloration. Basically scar tissue is forming, it is a scab in a moist environment.
I believe clitoral stimulation in general would tend to increase the size of this tear, just because of its location, as may friction and movement caused by clothing coming in contact with it while walking, etc.
As small as the tear may be, I do believe it is necessary to repair it, by a plastic surgeon with fine sutures, because I believe it would tend to become worse over time or reoccur if the current injury should heal.
Manual stimulation, i.e. masturbation, would tend to cause this skin tag to move back and forth, possibly increasing the size of the tear, or cause repeated occurrences.
The tear and edema indicates to me that you and/or your partner have been using significant, i.e. too much, force to stimulate your clitoris. Until the edema goes away I would advise against clitoral stimulation.
I recommend wearing loose fitting clothing, i.e. loose fitting cotton underwear or none, and a dress or skirt. Lubricate the area with a light coating of antibiotic ointment or petroleum jelly a couple times a day, reapplying any time you use toilet paper, etc. You want to keep the area lubricated all day and night. You want everything to slip and slide.
If you should need to experience orgasm, use a muscle massager or vibrator, preferably over your underwear, and possible your pants and underwear, until things are healed and/or corrected, so as not to expose the area to frictional irritation. You can also use water spray, i.e. tub faucet or shower head. If you aren't in need of orgasm then it would be best to avoid sexual stimulation until the injury heals, in a week or two.
With the healing injury, oral stimulation would be best avoided, because of bacteria in your partner's mouth.
When you start utilizing direct clitoral stimulation again, alone and with a partner, always use additional lubrication.
qa_7/qa7_4.htm
Your clitoral glans isn't fully exposed in these images, and you should be able to retract your hood from the glans a little, to fully expose it. If you can't, clitoral adhesions are a possibility. The one image (#4) shows two white lines indicating the point at which your clitoral hood meets your clitoral glans, and this tissue of your hood should retract slightly to expose the remainder of your clitoral glans. You or your partner may have to use a cotton swap, possibly lubricated, to gently retract your hood to fully expose your clitoral glans. If your hood is adherent, then that may explain your need for intense clitoral stimulation. See the article linked to below:
adhesio.htm
It would perhaps be beneficial to see a straight on photo of your vulva with your inner labia spread open, and the junction of them with your clitoris visible. This may help clarify your anatomy a little more.
You may need to show these images to your doctor, as it possible they show details not obvious to the naked eye, and my marking may also clarify areas of interest. The images show your anatomy greatly enlarged, which is helpful.
I hope this information is helpful.
Question Part 3: Thank you very much for the thorough response. The pictures really help clarify the structures. The thing that I think is confusing though is the fact that the yellow area which you point out as the injury is not the only "tear" I am speaking of. Actually, the entire length along the labia, even beyond the visible yellow healing area, is the injury, it's just that it's been happening in small increments and the latest one is the yellow area. So at the beginning, the area you point to as my clitoris was never even exposed! There was no way to see that pink spot prior to the labia being separated, and I would be shocked if I had adhesions and that's why I could never expose it because I have never seen any retractable area; everything was just a single piece of skin if you will, just two labia minora coming together at the top and that's it. No glans visible, just the junction of the labia minora where the sensitivity was greatest, so I assumed the clitoris was located at this point (rather than hidden beneath it somewhere). It's very difficult to explain without actually showing you in person, but if you just imagine in that picture that even the brown tips are joined together, right up to the end, that's what the structure used to look like.
It is of course a possibility, and if so then that's great because at least I can see from these pictures that there is a hood and glans beneath it, but before these labia were torn apart (along the black line which I put in the side view picture) none of these were apparent.
I will be visiting my general practitioner this week, and I can take these pictures with me so it's easier for her to see the structures.
Thank you again for your insight, it's very helpful.
Answer Part 3: I am happy to be of help.
Since you had marked the full length of the tear I didn't feel it necessary to do the same, only point out the fact that there had been a new injury to the area that was healing at the time of the photo.
Most people probably don't know the vulva as well as I do, short of gynecologists, and even I'm not sure at times what I am looking at. Most women don't spend much time looking at their vulva, and spend even less time looking at the vulva of others. As a result, they don't know what is normal or abnormal. When asked is something is abnormal I usually have to ask whether anything has changed, as there is so much uniqueness out there.
You are not the first to presume the area of their vulva that they find most sensitive to stimulation is their clitoris, specifically their clitoral glans. Others have mistaken their urethral opening/orifice for it, perhaps because their clitoris was insensitive or hidden.
I understand what you are saying about how things were prior to the labia tearing and the glans becoming partially exposed.
Applying an estrogen cream to the vulva of preadolescent girls releases labial adhesions without the need for surgery. I don't know if the same would work for clitoral adhesions, especially if your estrogen levels are already normal, as they appear to be, and a regular menstrual cycle would likely confirm. The use of estrogen cream may be a gentler way of releasing these adhesions, as would a low dose testosterone cream, if estrogen didn't work. I would avoid using force to separate the glans and hood if at all possible, as forcibly retracting/removing the male foreskin can and does damage the penile glans.
Good luck at the doctor's.Question Part 4: Sorry, I thought maybe you had misunderstood what I was trying to point out (since that's what I've been getting from the docs so far...). I'm sure you know much better than I do since I've never seen anyone else's vulva in the flesh!
I have some news so thought I would update you - I went to my general practitioner and showed her the area, and after a little while she reasoned something similar to your conclusion - that it seems there's just a mass of skin that has covered the entire area of the glans, and that it's beginning to come loose through applied friction. So she's prescribed a topical estrogen cream (Premarin) to apply once daily, and I'm to go back in a month.
She also mentioned that it seems that even my labia minora, with the brown squiggly edges, may have been fused together at some point, and that they gradually came apart, giving it this jagged appearance that it has. But I was just under the impression that some women have labia minora that are not simply straight-edged. Do you think this is possible, because I don't remember this being the case, and I've never had a problem with a blockage while urinating (but it could have been when I was very young).
She also mentioned that I shouldn't be afraid of "damaging myself" as I put it, in order to achieve orgasm since that's what seems to have been happening, but I am worried that as you said, any further separation of the glans and hood would lead to damage to the glans (and could possibly have already occurred). Could you please explain how the estrogen cream works in this situation, and how I would know if it is in fact "working" since it all just looks like a single piece of tissue to me!
Thanks so much again for all your input, this has helped tremendously.
Answer Part 4: The two photos that you sent prior don't show the inner labia fully so the doctor would have had a better perspective of what was going on. The inner labia do appear to be pinched together at the top of your vestibule, where they merge with your clitoris, but this could have been caused by how you were holding your vulva open.
You will recall I mentioned that it would be helpful to see a photo that showed the inner labia spread open, as viewed from the front. This would reveal your vestibule, the area of mucous tissues surrounding your urethral and vaginal orifices. One question concerning this is, is the vestibule as deep as it should be near the top, where your inner labia merge. You may need to look at photos of other women, with their inner labia spread open, to know if you are the same or different in this area.
I didn't see anything abnormal about the coloration and shape of your inner labia, and given the photos are close-ups, things are magnified and appear larger than they truly are. When viewed at less than full size things look a lot different, and tissues much smoother. Nothing struck me as unusual or abnormal. I don't know how other women ended up with the same characteristics. Was it normal or abnormal development? The following link is to a collection of photos that show a large range of vulvas having many different characteristics.
v_image1.htm
I cannot explain how estrogen and testosterone work on a cellular level. I just know that they change the skin in the areas of the body that are sensitive to them. In girls estrogen releases labial adhesions, and in boys their foreskin, if still intact and adherent to their glans, separates from their glans during puberty. The images shown below reveal what the vulva looks like prior to puberty, and during and after puberty, as a result of a change in estrogen levels. These images are from a medical article on the web about sexual abuse, and are used to show the hymen. The "vestibule" is shown in both, though the area of concern for you isn't shown clearly or at all.The mentioned photos can be seen by Clicking Here. See Figure 4. The linked to article addresses sex abuse in children.
Estrogen should stimulate the estrogen sensitive tissues and change their molecular structure, possible affecting size, color, texture, appearance, and oil (lubrication) producing glands. Testosterone would have the same affect on the tissues that are sensitive to it, perhaps causing the clitoris to become a little larger and more defined, depending on the dosage and length of use. Based on the articles linked to below you should see some results in two weeks.
To know if the estrogen cream is working you need to examine your vulva regularly, and perhaps keep a photo record of how things change. It is my understanding the separation of adhesions is spontaneous, occurs on its own over time. The following web articles provide some information, as it applies to preadolescent girls, and length of treatment. Your clitoris currently has a dry dull appearance, and increased sebum (oil) production and the other hormonal changes may cause it to have a more shiny appearance, and come out of hiding.
http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/health/vaginaladhesion.htmlhttp://www.babycenter.com/0_labial-adhesion_10889.bc
Since you have been unintentionally injuring your vulva during sexual stimulation I believe this would continue until the cause is resolved. Yes, normally, masturbation and partnered sex don't cause injury, but at present you appear to have a medical problem, so injury is possible and has occurred repeatedly during normal sex. Your doctor may not be taking into account how you masturbate and the possible end result, and why you may require greater stimulation than she does. In the photos you have short fingernails, so they probably wouldn't be the cause of the cuts.
If you do stimulate your clitoris you can't do what you have been doing. I mentioned prior some alternative methods, if sexual release was desired or required. Another stimulation technique you can try is lubricating your vulva, apply and hold in place a layer of clear plastic food wrap with one hand, and then using lubricated fingers on your other hand stimulate your clitoris. Gentle but direct stimulation, little circles over the glans for a minute may also help release adhesions, one or more times a day for a few seconds, perhaps each time you urinate.
You may need to masturbate in front a mirror and retrain yourself, watching where you place your finger(s) and how you move the tissues about. Frictional stimulation, slipping and sliding, works much better than pressure. This is something mentioned in the article linked to below. You need to discover ways of providing the same level of stimulation without the same amount of pressure.
nerves_3.htmQuestion Part 5: So I've taken some more photos but I'm not sure if this will help any - I tried to open the labia apart but it was difficult to keep them open. If this isn't clear enough I'll attempt to take some more today.
I've also been applying the premarin cream for about a week now, and I'm beginning to see some changes - it seems like the hood is maybe loosening up a bit, and I can see further in between the labia and clitoris. I'm trying to put a little dollop in between this area so it really gets absorbed by the clitoris (but I think most of it just ends up on my panties because of its location). I'm not sure about the appearance though - it still seems pretty dull-looking instead of shiny, but hopefully this will change as I continue to apply the estrogen. Perhaps I'll take some photos of this as well so you can see how this is coming along.
Answer Part 5: Unfortunately, the image you sent wasn't clear enough for me to make a determination of what things look like, other than that your inner labia appear to be "pinched together" immediately below your clitoral glans.
I understand it isn't easy to take photos of this area, especially if you are taking them yourself. I have received several photos from women who have photograph their own vulva that were understandably blurry. Most cameras aren't designed for such close-up work. It is also hard to hold your vulva open and take a photo at the same time, when you only have two hands. ;-)
While not necessary for my needs, if you want to photograph the affected area you will need to hold your inner labia apart just below your clitoral glans, which would perhaps be more difficult than holding your outer labia open, given their smaller size and limited space.
I am very happy to hear that things appear to be changing, and hopefully improving.
You might apply the ointment in the evening, when it is possible for you to go without underwear under a night gown or shirt, or a dress or skirt. If nothing else, you can cover the area with a piece of plastic food wrap or plastic sandwich bag long enough for the ointment to be absorbed. Don't leave the plastic in place any longer than necessary.Question Part 6: It is quite difficult to take photographs of this area! I'll try to get my boyfriend to help so you get a better view of the vestibule.
Thanks for the suggestion of putting it on in the evening, I'll definitely try that.
Do you think there's more of a chance that it will close up once I stop the estrogen if I'm using more than just a thin layer? I've read that this happens quite often with young girls who have been given topical estrogen to use for labial adhesions. Or maybe it's better to taper it off as I progress towards the end of the treatment (within the month)?
Answer Part 6: I believe part of the problem preadolescent girls face is that the irritant isn't removed, so the original cause of the adhesions isn't addressed, and perhaps can't be, so they reoccur. The separation of the adhesions may also result in open wounds that would tend to heal back together if not kept separated. Preadolescent girls also don't have the necessary estrogen in their system to mature the mucous tissues of their vulva, making them more susceptible to irritation.
I don't know the manner in which your adhesions will separate, as mature mucous membrane or as healing tissues. You would likely want to continue the use of the estrogen cream for a period of time after the adhesions separate, to give things a chance to fully develop and/or heal. You may have to switch to an antibiotic ointment to keep things lubricated while the healing continues. Eventually you would need to allow things to dry out and fully heal. Perhaps your doctor can provide an expected healing time.
Hopefully, your natural estrogen level would serve to prevent future adhesions from forming, after a little help getting things separated.
Your adhesions likely formed in childhood but no one knew about them, so no one checked to see if they went away during puberty.
Question: Hi, I have questions about orgasming and my vaginal opening.
A quick bio: I'm 19 and have been masturbating for as long as I can remember. For the most part, my family is okay with masturbation. In fact, my father and (paternal) grandmother encourage me to explore my own desires before being with another person. It is my mother and (especially) step-mother who find it wrong or gross. I distinctly remember my step-mom saying that masturbation is wrong and only sinners and such do it. I know this to not be true, but I also realize that I'm still having to truly accept that she was wrong. Also, I've never been with another partner (male or female).
When I masturbate (I use my fingers) I mostly stimulate what I'm guessing is my clitoris. (I have looked but am not sure... more on that later.) I often do so after reading a really romantic book, reading erotic fanfic online or looking at nude pictures on-line (both turn me on). I also fantasize while masturbating and have no problem building up the pressure. I have tried in tub, shower, standing, laying down, and sitting on a chair. All times, the feeling is the same. I feel the pressure build where a menstrual cramp would be and feel that I need something more (I've tried vaginal penetration with fingers and recently acquired vibrator -I feel nothing from this, and after reading this site, found out this is normal- and anal penetration with finger -I really enjoy the anal but find it hard to keep at it as it is such an awkward position for me). Then, even if I try to keep pressure going or move my finger aside, the pressure just stops. I feel numb in my vulva and my body tenses. I can't keep going but after a minute of relaxation, I can go again. It's always the same. I have no problem staying wet during all this, but I cannot seem to get to the final stage or orgasm. I've resolved myself to just getting the pleasure, but I want to experience orgasm. I've read different techniques and still, none work. Always the same near release and then numbness. Is that my orgasm or am I blocking my orgasm (mentally or through some physical difficulty... doctor visit needed?)?
Also, real quick, I have looked at nearly all the pictures you have of a vulva on this site and compared my own vulva but I am unable to find my urethra. There is also a flab of flesh dangling in/on my vagina (as seen by other photos as normal) that actually hurts (mildly) when inserting anything in... even a finger. Once I get past that and don't move, it is fine. Is this normal, and if so, is there a way to explore my vagina to find a more comfortable access position?
Thank you for any assistance. I want to ask a doctor about such questions as I know an actual visual exam may be more helpful, but I don't have a personal doctor and don't feel comfortable with the college provided doctors. I also want to thank you for this site. I was able to find out that I'm not abnormal or wrong. I feel better about myself after reading much of this site. Thanks!
(Sorry for this being so long...)Answer: The article linked to below addresses locating your urethra in the process of locating your vagina. It may help you understand your anatomy, and the discomfort associated with vaginal penetration.
loc_vag.htm
The barrier to orgasm many women experience is a situation I, and I believe many others, have been at a loss to provide a solution for, at least in all cases. You will find many Q&As on the website that address this subject. I believe some women are unable to surrender control over their pelvic organs, as a result of a fear of losing control over their bladder function, which ultimately prevents orgasm from occurring. The sensations associated with urination occur frequently during sexual stimulation. Basically, if you are fearful of urinating during sexual stimulation you probably aren't going to surrender control over the muscles that must rhythmically contract during orgasm. Having never experienced orgasm you would be less likely to know the difference between surrendering control in order to urinate and experience orgasm, so end up preventing both. I am currently (April 2008) researching and writing an article on this subject, and hope to publish it in the near future.
Question: Recently, after stumbling upon your website, I have decided to give masturbation a chance. When I was about 15 I tried but I wasn't sure how to, so frustrated I gave up. Now I am 19 and still a virgin for religious purposes (I was raised Catholic) but I am a very sexual person, and constantly thinking about sex. I needed to relieve these sexual urges. Like sex was out of the picture for me so I decided to explore my body. And with a little research I got in touch with my body. I usually achieve a very nice orgasm through clitoral stimulation. I was wondering though, this may sound like a silly question, but with clitoral stimulation can I break my hymen? I have never inserted anything in my vagina, and I usually don't go near it, I just rub myself outside of my vulva and then simulate my clitoris.
Answer: Please see the Q&A linked to below:
qa_16.htm#5
Question: I have hardly any sexual desire. I have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma that is in remission at this time. I have been on a regimine of Retuxin (a treatment for Lymphoma) as a preventative. I have taken this drug every six months for the past three years and I was wondering if this could be factor in my sexual drive?
Answer: I did a search of the web and didn't find a documented connection between decreased desire and the use of Rituxan.
A search on Google did return a few results where both this disease and decreased sexual desire were mentioned. I don't know if any useful information is presented.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=Non-Hodgkins+Lymphoma+sexual+desire
There are many possible causes for decreased desire. Please see the information linked to below:
desire_indx.htm
androgens.htm
andro_ab.htm
Question: I am male. I enjoy using a dildo for self pleasure via anal penetration. I am a "size queen" who likes it large and long. I know I've gone into the sigmoid section of the colon and it's such a great feeling. So some questions:
*) Any real danger in going further? I know colonoscopys go ALL the way up the colon. I don't plan to do that much, but I have taken a double-headed dildo (about 2 inch diameter by 24 inches?) and taken it to the head of the other end. I have a rambone dildo and can take about 10 of that (it's much thicker).
*) Most of the advice given unequivocally suggest using lube. I use nothing more than a bit of spit and that's it. Articles keep saying that the anus does not produce lubrication, but I produce a clear lubricating liquid that can let me take a rambone-sized dildo with nothing more than some initial spittle (and warming up with a smaller-sized dildo) What exactly is this clear liquid and is it normal? How come no one mentions this if it's normal? Do both men and women produce this liquid?
The liquid is not always clear, of course, as it initially contains flecks of fecal matter. But after some cleaning, the liquid is clear with a slight yellow tint. The taste (yes, I've tasted it) is not much different than saliva meaning no particular taste and apparently there's no physical infectious harm. Right!??!
I guess I'm just asking whether this fluid is normal and why it's not mentioned if so.Answer: I am going to refer you to the following website, as Tristan knows much more about the information you seek than I do.
http://www.puckerup.com/
Question: Can you have and orgasm while taking a poop? When I take a poop, I feel that I am having an orgasm is that possible?
Answer: The anus possesses a high density of nerve endings, which results in it, according to some, being second only to the clitoral or penile glans in sensitivity. The act of having a bowel movement can then result in strong sensations and possibly pleasure. Many men and women enjoy stimulation of their anus, and anal intercourse, for this reason.
From the book, "The Science of Orgasm":
"One man described a ten-year history of feelings resembling sexual orgasm and ejaculation after each defecation or forceful urination, followed by a rise in pulse rate and a sense of relaxation that changed to extreme fatigue."
Some women are able to trigger orgasm by contracting their pelvic/or thigh muscles, without the apparent need for external stimulation of their erogenous zones. Their orgasms are caused by muscular tension rather than sexual arousal and tension. See the information linked to below. If in the process of having a bowel movement you create muscular tension, orgasm seems like a possibility.
nerves_3.htm#1
Question: Hi, I have a question about noises during sexual activity.
The last time my boyfriend was round, I was sitting on him and started rubbing against his penis (which I discovered it was outercourse) and he was getting really horny. So we moved onto the bed to do it there and he was moaning quite a lot.
The problem is, I really wanted to moan for him but I wasn't able to. Do certain activities cause women to moan?
Also, he got so excited that he said that he needed to perform oral sex on me, so I said ok. And afterwards, I started crying. Why is this? Is it because of the build up of emotions?
Thank you for taking the time to read this. And your site is amazing, it's helped me learn a lot about my body. ^_^Answer: I am very happy to hear that you enjoy the website.
Some women are more vocal than others, but movies and porn tend to be very misleading about how vocal the average woman is. Most men and women learn to be silent while masturbating, and this carries over into partnered sex. Don't force or fake vocalization, if it happens, allow it to happen on its own. You can use your hands and body to communicate even if you are unable to vocalize.
You may have been holding your breath without realizing it, which would have prevented you from making noise. Making sounds requires air to be flowing by your voice box, larynx, meaning you must exhale to do so.
If you are new to partnered sex, especially oral sex, it can be stressful and cause you to feel vulnerable, which means a large range of normal emotional responses may occur as a result.
Scroll down to "Crying & Laughing" in the Q&A index linked to below to read of similar experiences.
qa_index_arousal.htm
It may simply have been the result of anxiety. You can learn more about anxiety in the Q&A linked to below.
qa_9.htm#1
You say he wanted/needed to perform oral sex but you don't say whether you were truly ready for him to do so. Perhaps he and/or you pushed your comfort zone a little, if you are sexually inexperienced, which may also explain your overall experience.
Question Part 1: Hi, why is the clitoris considered to be a mucous membrane but the labia minora are not, and are considered to be skin? Please e-mail me back and let me know.
Answer Part 1: The mucosal area is located between the inner labia, where the vaginal and urethral orifices are located. This area is called the vestibule, and is shiny, soft, and moist in appearance. Neither the clitoris or inner labia have this type of tissue. I hope I haven't mislead anyone somewhere on the website.
See the following article to learn more.
loc_vag.htmQuestion Part 2: I was confused from your reading. So, from what you've written, the vaginal vestibule, which is located inbetween the labia minora, is composed of mucous membrane, correct?
The inner and outer labia minora (all of the labia minora to say it properly) are skin, not mucousmembranes, is that correct?
Answer Part 2: Your mouth is much like a vulva. The skin around your mouth is like the skin on the outer lips or labia of the vulva, complete with hair follicles, which produce small fine hair in women and coarse thick hair in men. The actual lips of your mouth are like the inner labia or lips of the vulva that are made up of skin that does not have hair follicles, and both are usually very sensitive touch. The area between the inner labia, the vestibule, is like the tissue on the inside of your lips, and cheeks, warm, soft, wet, and pink in color. This tissue is mucosal in nature. The vagina is made up of the same type of tissue, and has the same characteristics.
Question: I am a woman of 21 years of age, and have recently become aware of this site. I have been in a somewhat steady relationship for about 3 years and 4 months now, and I think this site will prove itself useful very soon. Not that I or my boyfriend would never have read about female sexuality before (we have and do, a lot) but...
I am a bit disappointed with our sex life, as he is not too active to put the theory he has learned into practice for some sexy goodness, although I often try things I have learned by reading etc. out on him. He is very loving and caring and stuff, though, but I do not know what has come upon him. I know I should be more straight forward about what I want, but for some reason, it is hard for me to do so, especially since I am not quite sure which things please me the most. Not yet, at least.
I do find pleasure in masturbation, and am able to orgasm both in solitude and with my boyfriend. In the later case it is harder to come, as he mostly forgets to pay attention to my clit, but if it is stimulated, I will come. Part of the problem (him ignoring my clit) may be that, in despite of continuous training and guidance, he fails to do it right most of the time, be it with his tongue or fingers (although sometimes he does it just right, by accident maybe?). So instead of making me moan with lust, often he merely irritates me, and as a result, I am not very willing to let him try again too soon. Also, I have found out that I - propably, I can not be totally sure, since he is not willing to try it out - like some things he does not enjoy very much at all, including somewhat kinky stuff, ie. BDSM. We have talked the shit through, but nothing has happened as to better our sex life. It must be his "move", since I already put my full capacity into this.
I'd also like to get back to at least SOME hormonal birth control method, such as contraceptive pills, but currently can not do so because of some health issues of mine, that need to be fixed first. As to why, I do not like condoms too much as they are smelly, irritating and impractical, both of us experience some loss of sensitivity, plus we do not have any STD's to be worried about. As opposed to that, when I am on pills, we are - damn it, WERE - free to have sex whenever we wanted to (well, not literally, but you know what I mean), and without interruptions. Liked that.
We do not live together, and currently see each other only at weekends since we live in a long-distance relationship. For the first year of our relationship, we lived near each other in a same town, but after that I got into university and moved out. I've adjusted to this long-distance thing quite well, I think, but sure, I'd like to have him around on daily basis. I only do not think this will be happening in near future, since our studies are propably going to make us live apart form each other for now... and it sucks, because both of us would like to have the other one around.
I feel this is just making excuses for us (him?) not bothering to explore this specific area of our lives. Any tips for a young woman on the brink of despair?
Answer: Many of your peers likely share your experience, but are too embarrassed to admit it, let alone discuss it.
Sexual communication is frequently a challenge, as we usually have no experience with doing it. During childhood few of us likely discussed sexual topics while sitting around the diner table with our family, but every other subject was possibly open to discussion. You may have discussed proper techniques as they relate to participating in a particular sport, but not proper techniques for stimulating a clitoris or penis. Even with your peers you probably never have intimate discussions about sex. You may joke about it and talk about what you have done, but without the details, at least details that don't live up to social expectation. You are extremely unlikely to get together with your friends and share and demonstrate sexual techniques you have learned during masturbation and partnered sex. We are hindered even more by the reality that the techniques demonstrated in "porn" probably are not useful in real life, or at least they don't produce the same results in reality.
We are even less likely to have experience with resolving sexual challenges, even if we are able to discuss them. Even if you and your partner can admit to a problem it is difficult to move forward from there. Ok, we have a problem, now what? See a sex coach? At least now we have access to the Internet and can more easily find answers to our sexual questions, but only if someone has previously asked your question, or you are willing to be the first. Even then, we often don't know the answer, because there are so many unique individuals, experiences, and situations out there.
I believe you must first tell your boyfriend everything you have told me, perhaps by sending him a copy of the email you sent me. If you can't tell him of your wants and needs verbally then do it in a letter or email. He shouldn't fault you for being honest. The truth may not make him happy, but he should try to fulfill your needs, if he truly cares for and about you. Initially he may be angry or frustrated, or both, but hopefully given a little time, as in a few days, he will want to better himself and your relationship. Don't believe for a moment that your needs are abnormal or that they don't need to be fulfilled, simply because you are a woman.
It is certainly acceptable for you to say you don't know what you want, and many share your experience. Your peers may not know what they want either, or how to get what they want. I attended a seminar with adult women much older than you who admitted to the same challenge, of not knowing what they wanted, or how to get what they wanted. Unfortunately, the seminar's presenter didn't provide an answer. Perhaps because there isn't a simple answer that will meet the needs of individual women. There isn't a generic answer that will work for all women. It depends largely on what you want to explore or are willing to explore, your sexual interests, what the idea of doing sexually arouses you, or at least doesn't initially turn you off.
Once you admit to not knowing what you want, you need to explore your options and ways of exploring them. This is another challenge, because you may not know what to explore, or the likelihood of different activities fulfilling your needs. Should you explore BDSM? If your partner is unwilling to explore the same interests as you, that is a major obstacle, and one for which there is no solution other than finding a new partner, one who is willing.
Perhaps your boyfriend doesn't know anything about the subjects that interest you, and is fearful of them, something young men aren't suppose to admit to, fear of the unknown. Perhaps you need to educate him about your interests, and maybe you have without success.
You aren't the same person you were when you met your boyfriend three years ago, and he has likely changed a lot too, as a lot of change occurs between the ages of 18 and 21. You have transitioned from teenager to adult, and you both may no longer be on the same path in life.
I believe you have unknowingly given your boyfriend mixed messages about what you want and enjoy sexually. You tell him to stimulate your clitoris, but when he does it incorrectly you don't allow him to provide this form of stimulation during the following sexual experiences. He is possibly thinking, "Make up your mind, one minute you want it, the next you don't!" On top of that, he may believe he never gets it right, when sometimes he does. Do you tell him when he has gotten it right? You need to be consistent in your message, and provide positive messages too, when they are earned. An occasional "thank you" can go a long way.
First, tell him you always want and need clitoral stimulation, or so I would guess. Then tell him, or even better, show him what you want. Masturbate in front of him, show him how you do it. Go slow, and tell him which movements of your fingers and hand feel best, and point out the areas of your vulva you are stimulating. Does he actually know where your clitoris it? You need to do this with the lights on and your legs spread apart. You may even want to place a mirror between your legs so you can see what you are doing; practice beforehand while masturbating alone. You may have to do this repeatedly, and hopefully you find it arousing to show him, and he finds it arousing to watch.
Something that may make it easier for both of you is for you to get a clitoral vibrator. Practice with it on your own, then show him how to use it correctly. A vibrator may provide the stimulation you require and desire, and be more reliable and consistent than your partner's fingers and tongue. The small yet powerful Pocket Rocket would be a good initial choice.
There is another possible reason why he demonstrates poor and inconsistent technique, and that is he has figured out that if he does it badly you wont require him to do it the next time. He knows it ultimately requires less effort on his part if he does an unsatisfactory job. The solution to this possibility is presented below. He may simply be frustrated and is not sure what to do, and therefore does little or nothing to keep from getting in further hot water.
To get your needs met you may need to require that he fulfill them before you fulfill his. You appear more than willing to fulfill his needs, even when he doesn't fulfill yours. Where is the incentive for him to do a better job? Perhaps you need to start requiring that he stimulate you to orgasm prior to you giving him pleasure, or permit intercourse. Make him earn his reward. If he doesn't fulfill your needs then simply lose interest in sex and do something else. Yes, you are playing a game, but are you sure he isn't already playing one himself? I am generally opposed to games, and would prefer you be forthright with your intentions and expectations. I don't believe it is unreasonable for you to require that he fulfills your sexual needs too.
Yes, it would be great if he naturally put your needs before his own, but the reality is that many guys aren't that way, and their girlfriend permit them to be that way. Women are frequently fearful of losing their partner if they don't fulfill his every whim, believing he will seek a new partner if they don't. In the process they become the other woman, the woman who isn't demanding. Women as a whole need to move their needs to the forefront, and require that they are met. Men only get away with what women as a whole allow them to. If he isn't fulfilling your sexual needs is he such a wonderful partner, and someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? If you don't force him to change he will not, but some men are simply incapable of change.
Ultimately you cannot change a man unless he is willing to, and even then he may eventually resume his old ways. The ultimate reality is, your partner is who he is, not who you want him to be or believe he is. Many women choose fantasy over reality, and refusing to accept reality. Real life doesn't exist in fairy tales.
As far as the not enjoying sex as much because you must now use a condom, ever considered not engaging in intercourse? If lesbian couples can experience enjoyable sex without penile-vaginal intercourse occurring why is it so challenging for heterosexual couples to do the same? Why does spontaneity require intercourse? Are you going to get that clitoral stimulation you desire during intercourse? If anything, heterosexual couples limit their potential by requiring intercourse be a part of every sexual experience. Perhaps this is why couples frequently lose interest in sex, because they do the same thing over and over. You have said you want to explore you sexual options, then do so, don't fall back on the same thing every time. If you both simply want to have an orgasm you can masturbate, alone or together. You don't gain or share intimacy if one or both of you are sexual frustrated after the sexual experience. Unfortunately, I don't believe your current sexual challenges will be resolved merely by you resuming the use of an oral or hormonal contraceptive. It is more of a hoped for excuse than an actual root cause for your present frustrations.
I believe you are also being faced with the challenges presented by long distance relationships, and the reasons why they frequently do not work out. Not only do you have the stresses and challenges associated with school, and possibly work, but also the challenges and frustrations associated with having your emotional and sexual needs met only two days out of every week, if at all. You have daily emotional, and possibly sexual, needs that need to be met. If you moved away from friends and family you may have lost your entire support network, and as a result are "a young woman on the brink of despair." You either need to work on gaining a new support network, i.e. new friends, coworkers, and teachers, or move back to the old one if things become potentially harmful for you. At a minimum, you may need to express your feelings and share your frustrations with your boyfriend, family, and friends over the phone or by email on a regular basis. Express your frustrations to someone, don't hold it all inside.
Question: I have been masturbating ever since I can remember, and am now 16. I've never had sex. I'm pretty sure that it is because of all the masturbation that my clit has grown, and as embarrassing as it is, now hangs a bit. Also the tip has turned dark purple/blackish, with very red in the center. My techniques have always been with rubbing my clit, and using water pressure on it. Since I would never want a guy to see it like this, not that I am planning on that anytime soon, I was wondering that if I stopped if it would eventually go back to before, colour and size. I would really appreciate the help, thank you!
Answer: The color of your vulva has nothing to so with masturbation, so you would gain nothing by stopping. Please see the information linked to below.
Scroll down to "Color" in the Q&A Index linked to below:
Many photos of the vulva, showing all their unique shapes and colors, can be found in the Body Image section of the website, and is linked to below:
The clitoris normally increases significantly in size during puberty, and life. One of my medical references states that between the ages of 7 and 11 the clitoral glans typically increases in size by 20%, and further increases in size by 26% between the ages of 11 and 14. This means that during puberty the clitoral glans becomes 1.5 times larger than it was at the onset of puberty. Between the ages of 14 and 19 the clitoral glans further increases in size and becomes 1.8 times larger. By the time you are 32 years of age your clitoris will likely be almost 4 times larger than it was at the onset of puberty. After menopause your clitoris could be nearly 7 times larger than it was at birth, and 2.5 times larger than it was at the age of 19. If the clitoral glans increases in size, the entire clitoris likely increased proportionately in size. This means masturbation isn't the cause for the increased size of your clitoris, puberty and life are.
