The Personal Experience of Female Sexual Desire

Female sexual desire is taboo and seldom mentioned, even more so than female masturbation. If women and girls do not experience sexual desire why would they need to masturbate? Women and teens may be unsure if they experience desire, especially give many would prefer they did not. While male desire and masturbation are acknowledged and often required, female desire and masturbation are frequently denied, suppressed, and ridiculed. When men and teenage boys express desire they are studs, teenage girls and women are frequently labeled sluts when they do the same. As a result, there is seldom a safe place for women to acknowledge, express, and share their experiences with sexual desire.

This website created a space for women and teens to share their masturbation experiences and techniques so others could get encouragement and support from them. These shared masturbation experiences provide teens and women with benchmarks to judge their own experiences and provide role models for those developing their own masturbation techniques and experiences. The existence of these shared experiences in a public forum has allowed others to learn how to masturbate and to see they are not alone in their techniques and experiences. They have allowed teens and women to see they have something in common with others. These shared experiences have allowed women and teens to be supportive of each other's sexuality.

This space has been created to allow female teenagers and women a safe place to share their experiences with sexual desire. Just as with female masturbation, there is great diversity in the female experience of sexual desire. While masturbation may be an expression of desire, desire can be expressed and experienced in many different ways. Women and teens that do not masturbate or have sexual experiences with partners still experience desire and likely seek recognition and acceptance of that fact. Since female desire is denied it can be very challenging for teens and women to measure and define, and a lack of an adequate sexual vocabulary can make for a difficult time in expressing it. If you do not know what desire is, how can you experience and describe it? While it may be challenging, I hope women and teens will share their experiences with sexual desire. How do you experience and feel about it? How does your desire make itself evident, physically and emotionally? When did you first experience desire? How do you negotiate the minefield that is sexual desire? What is its role in your relationship with others, positive and negative? How does your family and peers view female desire? How do your partner(s) react to your desire? I believe there will be some commonality between experiences but ultimately each person's experience will be unique.

To provide a starting point, I will share what three women had to say when asked about their first experiences with sexual desire in the discussion forum.

Here are the questions that were presented:

I would like to ask the ladies here for their insight into when they first experienced sexual desire. I have searched on line and in my references but none make mention of this. You can find out the average age for when breasts start to develop, pubic hair first appears, and menstruation begins, but nothing about sexual desire. Sexual desire is usually only mentioned in reference to teenage boys. If you recall when you first experienced sexual desire, or increased sexual response, do you recall what stage of puberty you were in? Had your breasts started to develop, were they fully developed, had you had your first period etc. What age were you when all this occurred? When was the first time your body demanded sex, alone or with a partner? I am aware girls experience vaginal lubrication and arousal, and may experience orgasm, from birth on, this concerns desire more than arousal per say. I know this may be difficult to answer, as it is the same as asking a man when was the first time he had an erection or found a woman sexually desirable. Our social mores and laws do not permit asking teenage girls this information, so our information will be clouded by time. The reason for these questions is a teenage girl is not experiencing arousal and I am not sure at what point this occurs for the average girl.

Response #1:

Well at age 2 was when I discovered that it felt great to rub my stick (clit) use to play whit it till it hurt and stick was the way I described the hurt. Was always coming out of my clothes for as long as I can remember. As far as I can remember I've played with myself always.

Desire probably set in around eight years old had a lot of crushes on older teachers-----(TV had a lot to do with some of the fantasies at a young age too) recall the fantasies were around kissing and lots of fondling and I had a grown up body with booobies and a tanned hour glass figure. Infatuation was a bad drug for me!

Teen years mentally I was what society would call a whore. I inherited Horny Genes from ancestors or my dad or both???? Major mental battles regarding sex, lust, desires against strong values and morals taught, was cause for depression and frustration. Always have believed in Self-Help so the way I dealt with a lot of this was being able to touch the guy and not catch heck for it --did a lot of wrestling in the neighborhood and only with guys. Had everyone believing I wasn't interested in boys, cause never dated until I was 18. (When you live close to family and they are up in your biz all the time tends to put a damper on your personal life. Even as a teen.)

Oh man the fantasies that triggered. Played with Barbie's till I was fifteen-----this kept me out of real trouble believe it or not------I've fought the good girl syndrome all my life. (Was taught to behave in a mannerly fashion at an early age, and to obey my parents) Swimming was my mental salvation-swam a lot. Stayed in shape. Earned a lot of titles (names-Amazonian was my favorite) but had fun with them. This accounts for my wildness now.

If I had done even one part of what was on my mind----would have caught heck for that too. I've always believed if I were a male well my dick would have fallen off by now.

Strong moral, values and learning to believe in, myself truly saved my tail. And when 18 came around joined the army--gained title of LADY not piece of meat. The Victorian concept and reading a lot of male sexuality psychologist books helped a lot in my early survival as a female coming out of her shell of good girl syndrome. At 19 I chose to lose my virginity and did not regret it one bit.

Response #2:

I began to experience sexual desire about a month before my menstruation began. I was about twelve years old. I didn't recognize it as sexual desire then. It was "a weird sensation located somewhere between my throat and my tummy". Weird.

I began to masturbate when I was pretty young (I was about four-five years old) and thank goodness I didn't have a clue that I was doing anything "wrong" or "not suitable for a little girl" or that was supposed to make me feel guilty. I didn't even know I was doing anything sexual. I didn't even know what "sexual" mean!

Hey, I was extremely lucky.

Well, I went on masturbating (and enjoying it) and it was just something that felt good. It was like I had no sexuality. Of course I knew how children were born ;) and I knew that there was *something* called sex where a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina, but it was like hearing "tales from another world", if you know what I mean. I knew that I had a clitoris (mom showed me mine). I knew that my clitoris was that cute little thing that felt good when I touched it. But I didn't relate what I was doing to sex. :)

So I finally grew up to the age of 12 (or so) and I began to feel at times that weird feeling in my tummy, meanwhile I stopped to see and treat boys just like I saw and treated girls of my age. I began to fantasize about kissing someone.

The day before my menstruation began, I realized that I had a vagina. Don't ask me how. I just, well, *knew*. I was in the bathroom and out of curiosity I introduced one single finger (my little finger) in my vagina. I didn't think about it, I just realized that there was a "hole" (ouch, that sounds bad) in my body I had never been aware of before and it was natural to me to explore it with a finger.

I'd dare say that was the very first time I felt real sexual desire :)

It felt... well...weird. Good but weird.

Problem is, after I did it I began to feel guilty, first time in my life.. My first thought was "what if I got pregnant?" (I was only twelve!)..I rationally knew it was impossible. But...hey...it felt weird down there. And the day after my menstruation began. I got scared as hell. I knew woman had menstruation but I thought that perhaps I would not have had them so soon if I didn't put that finger in my vagina. I was afraid to tell mom because I couldn't even know if they were real menstruation or just "something that happened to me because I played with my vagina". It took me a couple of years to realize that , yes, the two events were related, but not as I thought. And my menstruation were not a consequence of what I had done but I would have gotten them anyway because I had entered "a new stage of my evolution as a sexual creature " :)

Unfortunately I was sure I had lost my virginity for good. I was worried for years about how would I explain it to my boyfriend if I ever got one? :) What would he think?

It was my current boyfriend who explained me, years later (when I was 22) that my hymen was still there and it was in perfect health, surviving about ten years of masturbation (meanwhile I had begun to introduce one finger while masturbating). Why they told me it was a membrane???? If I could have had access to a website like the clitoris, it would have spared me *years* of (SUPPOSEDLY!) lost virginity blues.

Had your breasts started to develop, were they fully developed?

I think they were pretty small but almost fully developed. (I'm a cup A and proud of my breast)

When was the first time your body demanded sex, alone or with a partner?

First time alone: at about twelve. See above :)

First time I began to think about having sex with someone else. Well, I was about eighteen. Until then I had just had fantasies about kissing and petting.

I tried to answer as best as I could. It was somehow difficult to share such a story, but I hope it might help answer your question. Each woman is unique, this is just my own bit :)

Hoping I haven't bored anyone to death, I'd love to know if any other lady here has had similar experiences.

Response #3:

I've only just discovered this discussion group as I am trying to reclaim/claim my sexuality. I'm astounded to read that some other women were as young as 12 or lower when they first experienced desire. I thought I was the only one. I was eleven or twelve when I first remember sexual thoughts and wetness. I had some pubic hair and breast development - I was one of the first in my class (early 1980s). I didn't masturbate however (unless you include pillow kissing!) and I didn't know where either my clitoris or vagina was until much later.

I could never use tampons in my teenage years and when my first sexual experience happened I suddenly realized I should find out where my vagina was to save some embarrassment and gain some awareness and control.

I'm not sure I really understood which part of me was the actual clitoris, as opposed to the inner labia, until a few years ago. I am still inorgasmic.

If you would like to share your experiences with sexual desire,
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Tess

I've always been a sexual person but I didn't realize it. I began crossing my legs and rubbing my thighs together to release tension when I was about four. I also rode my tricycle over bumpy sidewalks and would have an orgasm. It had nothing to do with desire or sex. It was the vibration that would bring me to orgasm, which I didn't have a name for. My mother called it wiggling. Stop wiggling she'd say. I could do it anywhere when I was tense, even standing in line at church waiting to march in with the choir. It continued until at about ten when I confessed to my mother that I had been wiggling. She told me to stop so I did for a while. Still didn't think it had anything to do with what I had heard about sex. I had developed later when I was 14 and started my period at 13. My father owned a diner and one day six of us were sitting in a booth and I dropped something on the floor. One of my boy classmates bent down to pick it up for me and accidentally his hand touched my leg. I felt so aroused and it was the first time even though I had crushes on boys since first grade and was pre-occupied with men of all ages, and thought about kissing them I never felt the feeling of aching between my legs or the wetness. He must have had some reaction because he almost ran into the men's room. From then on I wanted to have that feeling and soon found out I could have it through kissing. Touching too but I was too shy to let a boy touch me so kissing was something I loved. In fact it turned me into a tease. I loved being aroused and the more I ached the more I liked it. As I got older the boys got very frustrated but in those days good girls didn't have sex or if they did they were ostracized. I didn't masturbate when aroused though because I only associated that with tension and release of it. No fantasizing either. Just the vibration on the clit. I never touched myself till later in life when my legs would cramp if I rubbed my thighs together. I think this has kept me from being orgasmic with my partners through all of these years. I am not looking for the orgasm, just the arousal. I enjoy sex but want the foreplay to last forever. I love cunnilingus but do not have orgasms that way either. The man I am with now is very good with me. We watch each other masturbate after much foreplay. I can get aroused watching him but still have a difficult time reaching orgasm even that way. I think I have a mental block because I've never put the two together. I don't mind though because I'm able to do it by myself once in a while if I feel like it. It does help me when I am up tight or really nervous about something. In school I used to just cross my legs when I had to hurry through a timed test. Wham. I'd have an orgasm and just fly through the test - - no tension. I hope this account helps in your new section on desire.

Joann

I was emotionally and sexually abused by my father while growing up, and he encouraged me to develop homosexual feelings and desires for other women, too. I was also exposed to a lot of pornography. As a result, I suffer from depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder. I also hate my body, I desire an enlarged clitoris, I used to masturbate almost every day, and I have a very low self-esteem, which effects my confidence as a woman a great deal. And because of my inability to trust men with my body, I have chosen to remain a virgin and never date, get married, have children, or be involved with a man sexually. Yes, I am 37 years old, still a virgin, and very proud of it! Anyway, I became a Christian on April 21, 2002, and have been a Christian ever since. In September of that year, I met and became close friends with a woman named Nancy, who is eight years older than I am, married, and very much a Christian herself. We both attend the same church, but not together. Well, we see each other at the same Sunday services, but we show up for church separately. Anyway, after having and getting over homosexual crushes on many other women prior to Nancy, I thought I would never develop a homosexual crush on Nancy. Ever. Boy, was I wrong! Shortly after Nancy and I became friends, my sexual desire for her grew, despite the fact that she didn't, and still does not and possibly will never, desire me the same way. She wants the two of us to maintain nonsexual contact at all times and only love one another as friends and sisters in Christ. Period. Okay, fair enough, I thought. I can do that and still respect her at the same time. After all, I actually do enjoy being her friend and sister in Christ, and I want to do everything I can to respect our relationship. We are Christian, right? The Bible says that homosexuality is a sin, and if you don't repent yourself of it, you will die and go to Hell (unfortunate, isn't it?). Anyway, Nancy works as a doula (a woman who assists in pregnancy and the birthing process) at a local hospital in the town where she lives (we live in separate towns but are only an hour's drive from each other), so she comes in contact with a lot of naked pregnant women and sees their bare genitals all the time. She seems extremely comfortable and very much at ease with all of this nudity, so nothing shocks or embarrasses her at all. And, long before she met and married her husband Erick of seventeen years, but probably shortly after she was brutally gang-raped at the age of nineteen, she experienced homosexual desires of her own. God supposedly "healed" her of that after she became a Christian, though. I'm not so sure I believe that, because sometimes I catch her checking me out from head to toe and even flirting with me occasionally. Could she possibly be desiring me sexually and not even know it? I don't know, and I'm not sure if I want to find out, either. I'd rather enjoy the attention. It makes me feel good! But the trouble is, she believes that masturbation is wrong (I don't), and she won't lighten up enough to allow the two of us to enjoy touching, exploring, and looking at each other's bodies while naked. I was hit by a car when I was fifteen and a half years old, and I can't even get Nancy to look at my dented right hip where the car hit me! She is still a wonderful lady and a very good friend, though, and she definitely isn't prudish or uptight about the shocking terms and language she uses when we talk about sex, the human body, or how the male and female genitals function and stuff! She will even tell or get involved in a dirty sex joke or conversation every now and then, and without shock or embarrassment! She used to masturbate, too, but now she believes it is wrong, so there's one area she seems extremely prudish about. The rest, except when it comes to seeing each other naked, seems to be anything goes for her. In fact, here is a poem about her that I'd like to share with you all, if you guys (and gals!) don't mind; it's called "Desire":

Her name is Nancy Q.
She is 45 years old
She and I are very close friends
As well as sisters in Christ

My desire for her is a constant struggle
She is always on my mind
Her pretty face and flirtatious smile
Gets to me each and every time

Her touch is light and sensual
Her voice calm, ressurring, and sweet
Her mannerism is strong and ladylike
Her humor candid and playful

She doesn't seem too prudish or uptight
And hardly anything embarrasses her
She can be quite shocking at times
Despite her disappointing limits

I wish Nancy desired me
As much as I desire her
And I wish she would see me naked
So she could touch and explore my body

And if I had an enlarged clitoris
With no pubic hair intact
I'd want it to get hard and fully erect
So Nancy and I could have sex

Our lovemaking would be passionate
As well as wild and intense
Our kissing would be tender and sweet
And our humping hard and fast

We would do it for hours on end
And no one would ever know
We'd end with a hot bubble bath
Then an erotic full-body massage

We'd fall asleep in each other's arms
Back in bed all cozy and warm
Then wake up early the next morning
For more hot sex and then a shower

But at church the following Sunday
Although we would never forget
Nancy and I would repent of our sin
And never do it again

Our friendship could be severed
The Q------- marriage affected
And God would not be happy
If sex with Nancy really did happen

I apologize for not being able to rhyme very well, and for having to cut off Nancy and her husband's last name (I did it to protect their privacy). But this is still a poem, so I hope you guys enjoy reading it. Any feedback you all may have regarding it is very much welcome. Thank you for allowing me to share my story, and I look forward to seeing it posted on The Clitoris website!

Joann :-)

Ruthie

I can't remember exactly when I first experienced sexual desire, but I'm sure it was before I was 10. I remember watching a tv show with John Barrowman in and thinking "he's fit"! I was about 10 then, but as I say, I remember not being phased by it, so I don't think it was anything new to me (I'm spooked by new stuff, easily!). I had my first period about a year later, but I had been wearing a training bra around six months (and was needing a proper bra!). About 2 years ago I started to obsess over a comic character, imagining all sorts of things. You're typical teenage crush (I'm nearly 14). Recently that has changed. It isn't quite as innocent as the kissing and cuddling I used to imagine. It isn't quite wanting sex, but it is getting there. Long car journeys, however have become very interesting! I've tried masturbating, but so far I've not got very far.

P. S. This website is fantastic. Before I just thought I was weird or that something might be wrong, but after reading some of the material I am reassured. I only found this site a couple of weeks ago, but I think I would recommend it to any teenage girl. There are only so many things that school and medical books tell you about and basically, they ask more questions than they answer.